He hasn't said he loves me yet. Should I stay or should I go?

This week I got the following question .....

Go to the profile of Suzie Parkus
Jun 11, 2015
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Q: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and he still hasn’t told me he loves me. What do I do? I’m not sure if I should be the one to say it first. I feel like at this point he’ll just be saying it because he thinks he has to. Not because he actually does. I’ve thought about breaking up with him but I can’t bring myself to do that either. Is there some way I can let him know I’m not willing to wait forever?

A: Firstly you are not alone on this one, so don’t despair.

12 months is a long time to be dating someone for some and not so long for others. When you’re under 25, 12 months is still regarded as very early days, especially by guys as they like to take their time and enjoy the dating journey. It’s when we get past 30, that 12 months seems like you’ve given a real investment of your time and therefore you want acknowledgement that the relationship really is going somewhere.

Women are very emotional beings and we tend to fall in love between our ears and that’s why hearing words of affirmation, such as I LOVE YOU is a reinforcement of how he feels about you. You have to remember though, that men are very practical creatures and so he might have already shown his levels of affection for you, but in his own love language, which is possibly by doing things for you that he wouldn’t ordinarily do for others.

For example, men don’t tend to use the phone lots, but they do make exceptions to hold long conversation or text dialogues when they really like someone. So, this can be seen as he’s really in to you. Further along down the relationship journey, he might be making thoughtful gestures like stocking the fridge with things he knows you will like for when you are at his place. Book your favorite restaurant; cook your favorite meal etc. Or he might do things for you where he puts himself out more, all because he really likes you. He might give you quality time, which us ladies tend to feel, is the norm, but for him he’s giving you his ‘me time’, to create ‘us time’. He might be someone who buys gift to show affection instead or he could be a very tactile creature and therefore he’s very touchy feely with you.

So, why am I telling all this? The reason is, that we all have our own love language and possibly yours is affirmation. Maybe you like to give and receive acknowledgement, but your partner might fall in to one of the above categories and shows his levels of interest in a slightly different way. Therefore, you can’t just write him off as someone who doesn’t love you, just because he’s not communicating with you in a style that you are most familiar with. I would suggest taking a step back and thinking whether he shows you care and affection in another way first.

If you really feel the need to hear what he’s thinking, then remember that men aren’t naturally gushy creatures and just like women, they don’t want to step in to that vulnerable space and put their heart on the line where it could get crushed. Therefore, you might well need to create a safe space where he can be open with you about his feelings and that means you will need to initiate a conversation in a natural way. Don’t start with we need to talk, I need to speak with you about something, or I’ve been wanting to say something for a while now as this immediately sounds negative and that a bomb is about to be dropped as the natural reaction will be to listen defensively.

You can have a non-confrontational chat that’s dropped in amongst free flowing conversation, something along the lines of… (insert name here) I can’t believe we’ve been together for 12 months now, the time has just flown by and I love every minute that we get to spend together. The more I know you, the more I find myself falling for you and I just want to thank you for being the most kind, caring, considerate (or use whichever descriptive words best suit him) boyfriend. See how this works in terms of showing open emotions towards him and whether he responds in kind.

If you want to say that you love him, because that’s how you feel deep down inside then say it , but don’t expect to hear it in return. If that’s how he’s feeling too, then he will say it when he’s ready. If it’s immediate reciprocation, you will know from his tone and body language whether it’s being said with sincerity.

My parting advice is to give him space where he’s not being judged or backed in to a corner to share his feelings with you. You might just be surprised at the end result.

If you’re still feeling uneasy even after being open with him, then we can have a chat and I can let you know for certain whether he’s really in to you by asking you specific questions.

If this scenario resonates with you, or you are finding yourself questioning whether to stay or go in a relationship, a quick chat with me could be all you need to give you clarity and peace of mind you're looking for. Please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Alternatively, perhaps you have a question which you would like answering? Please do contact me and I shall answer your question, making sure that you, like my other readers remain anonymous!

I'm here to help!

To your dating success,

Suzie

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Go to the profile of Suzie Parkus

Suzie Parkus

Dating coach / Talk show host, Meet Your Match

www.meetyourmatch.club was born after realising that despite guests attending my events, people were struggling with the core fundamentals. Such as: where to meet and attract the right people, what constitutes a good match, creating and maintaining momentum, good conversation skills, body language and being self aware. The list goes on... Suzie has an affinity bringing out the best in everyone. Her appreciation for the wellbeing of others is at the core of helping her clients find their soul mate. She is so committed to the success of her clients, that she offers them access to a variety of services to suit their needs: 1-on-1 coaching, group workshops and talks. These are just some of the tools used to help her clients realise what they truly desire within a relationship. Suzie has always been a hopeless romantic and feels that we all deserve love; some of us just need a gentle nudge in the right direction. With a background in dating coaching, matchmaking and running a very successful singles events business, Meet Your Match’s Director Suzie Parkus, has years of experience working with and helping busy people just like to you, to meet and connect with other like-minded individuals. My mantra? Your dating journey should be fun and exciting, it should be an adventure that you want to embrace and I can show you how it can be both exciting and fulfilling. My mission as an award Nominated dating coach, match maker, radio expert and talk show host, is to help you understand that dating isn't as complicated as everyone makes out. Put simply, you have have most of the ingredients, you're just missing the recipe and possibly a few of the finishing touches. I look forward to sharing my content with you. Suzie X
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Go to the profile of Flower
Flower about 1 year ago

My partner(ish) was the same when we were first together 10 years ago. We'd been together for 8 months, I told him I loved him after 2 but got nothing back. Eventually, I asked him how he felt. He said he was fond of me. That was a red light and after a few weeks of soul searching, I ended our relationship.

He stayed away for a few weeks then JUST as I was about to start dating again, he reappeared and bared his soul, culminating in a declaration of love. Which sounds like success. Except it wasn't really because what was really going on was a huge committment issue. So although we're still together, marriage, living together, having a real sharing of our life has never happened (my fault - I should have ended it).

So. Beware. Sometimes a rose, is a rose, is a rose.

Go to the profile of Emma Meaney
Emma Meaney about 1 year ago

Thank you for your comment and the article, both really helped Xx

Go to the profile of Mindy
Mindy 11 months ago

I have been dating a wonderful man for just shy of two years. He has yet to say the words "I love you." I told him I loved him 6 months into the relationship, I didn't expect a response at that time. However two years is quite a long time to go without the affirmation of the endearing "L" word. I regularly tell him how I feel along with saying "I love you" before the end of every conversation over the phone. We have spoken on the topic many times (especially recently). Each time the discussion is started, it seems to go in a circular pattern; where I speak my feelings and he does not. His response is that he wants to be sure of his love for me before he "throws THE word around." He directly acknowledges that he does not doubt my love. He seems to firmly believe that 2 years isn't enough time to "know for sure." I'm to my breaking point. This man could be absent a ring, financial stability, and his stunning physical features and I would still say yes to a proposal. He is my best friend wrapped in a handsom, caring, masculine package. There is no one else on this planet that I would prefer to spend every minute of everyday with. Words do not even need to be present for him to make me smile. Yet, here I am. I am trapped in this cycle of questioning myself and our relationship. I could not imagine life without him, yet I also cannot imagine loving him while he does not love me for another day. Everyday I make a choice to enjoy what we have, instead of breaking down to tears. It truly hurts that he does not speak the words. He is a different person, who lacks the ability to translate his feelings towards me into words.
This one thing. Could it be that powerful to end what I see to be so perfect otherwise?
I struggle with the lack of the "L" word daily.
I cannot make him say it, so aside from backing off and holding my tongue, I am truly at a loss.
I cannot hold out much longer. I do not wish to push him away with my NEED for the affirming
3 words I so desperately crave.

Go to the profile of Lindsey Williams
Lindsey Williams 22 days ago

I've been dating my friend for about nine months. I'm 34 and he's 29. We have known each other for a least 5 years although the first two, I was in a bad emotionally abusive relationship. After my ex and I broke up, he was just someone I considered as a friend up until last year. I was aware of his feelings for me but at the time I was not into him. I considered him a friend and that was it. Then I don't know I just started developing feelings for him. I guess I just thought our relationship would take off but lately I feel like he isn't as interested. I've addressed it and he said he thought we were fine. I even confessed my love today and instead of saying it back he makes a joke out of my memes that was attached to text... I read your response to the young lady in a similar situation. Now I'm wondering should I let go while I can or not.