Relating is about more than doing, it is an intimate act


So much of the advice about relationships you read on a day to day basis is transactional.  It urges you to communicate clearly, to balance giving and getting, to take simple steps to improve on this and be honest it leaves me feeling wrung out with the busyness of it all and wondering if the mantra bigger, better, faster, more is really what we want relationship to be about?

Relating is not a superficial thing, it is not about doing, and it is certainly not about cramming in as much as you can as quickly as you can.  It is not about perfection and maximisation.  Relating is a way of being.  Deep relating does not happen quickly, or on the hop, because it asks you to be fully present, to have your whole self there, in the moment.

Truly being with someone is about being able to look them in the eye, being able to be vulnerable. It asks of us to strip everything and be naked, not just physically, but also psychologically.  Relating is about a profound trust between two adults that says 'I accept myself as I am' and equally 'I accept you as you are.'

So why not stop trying to fix, to make better, to improve, to move on?  Why not just be there, in all your magnificence, saying 'this is me' and being deeply curious about who it is that is in front of you.  This kind of intimacy, this connection, is what relationship at its best is all about.

Go to the profile of Fe Robinson, Psychotherapist

Fe Robinson, Psychotherapist

I am here to help you thrive, whatever life brings. I offer Psychotherapy, EMDR therapy and Couples Counselling to clients based in Durham. I am UKCP Accredited and an EMDR Europe Practitioner, and offer Clinical Supervision to counsellors and psychotherapists locally. I have worked in private practice, the NHS, and in charitable organisations, with a wide range of clients and conditions.

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