Been in relationship for 10 months told partner that I loved him he said it back told me last weekend that he does not love me said it as wanted to be with me cares a lot for me am hurt and confused
I am great fan of books by Andrew G Marshall, a relationship coach. Perhaps read 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'? Maybe this could be a new era of honesty and communication. This may be a healthy sign of maturity - from him.
"I like to think of I Love You But… as an early warning system that something should change in your relationship. (Previously, I believe someone would have launched themselves into an affair.) It is a sign of emotional maturity to put your hands up and admit the problem before the relationship descends into bitterness and recrimination," says Marshall.
It sounds like your declaration of love has made him evaluate the relationship and found that he's got cold feet and not enough commitment to you - at this stage.
That's not to say that he won't warm up and feel the sort of love you want from him - but there's no certainty that this will be the case.
When you are feeling less upset sit down with him (and have physical touch to enhance your communication) and ask him what he wanted at the outset and how he thought and hoped things might be 10 months in.
You need to know that he wants the same things as you otherwise you will be trying to pull him into a different direction than the one he wants to go in.
If he only sees you as a friend (with benefits?) then you need to know so that you can decide if that is all you want too (I doubt that from what you say).
You can then feel empowered to make a decision whether to stay or walk away and find a man who is ready and able to commit to you and to build a mutually loving future with you.
The emotional pain will pass and in time you'll see that this will have been a valuable experience for you.
Emotions and effectively communicating them can be very confusing at times. I see how this can feel hurtful, however whatever you choose to call it, it seems as if there is something worth nurturing between you and your partner. Actions speak louder than words. If you also enjoy your time together why throw it away? Caring about each other and enjoying each others company is a good foundation, your relationship is still quite young. Unless you are in a great rush, perhaps you simply need to allow it to develop in an honest and caring way. Exploring Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages may also be useful. I wish you well. http://verilymag.com/2013/04/dr-gary-chapman-explains-the-5-love-languages.
Psychologist, Wellness, Coach, Speaker Author.
Hi Emma, Thank you for sharing your dilemma. The advice you have received so far is great. It's a good time to take stock of your relationship and ask yourself what you really want from a partner. Do you want to date someone who likes your company, but doesn't want to commit? What kind of relationship are the two of you in? Is it exclusive? You might need to take action if the relationship isn't how you want it to be. You can accept how things are or walk away. Whatever you decide it might feel difficult, but you can do it. We are here to support you.