Moved in at 2 months, been dating a year. I am still living out of the guest room with clothes piled on the bed and have been asking for closet space since about 6 months in. I was asked at the start

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MD on Sep 12, 2017 • 3 answers
to not push my s/o to do things as this was stressful to them. So I stopped asking. We don't really go on dates or do anything special together anymore & when we due it ends in arguments. We do have fun together, but s/o seems happy mostly when with friends. Am I looking at all of the negatives or am I seeing things for what they are?? PS. Said L word 6 mos ago & s/o won't even broach the subject.

Answers

It sounds as though you are having a pretty tough time in this relationship. You are not being treated well; being expected to live out of a guest room with no storage for your own things doesn't sound like a relationship where you are respected or valued. It sounds as though your partner has some difficulties with being in an intimate, loving relationship. Without more information, about both you and your partner, I can't offer much advice here, other than to suggest you seek some help with a couple counsellor or therapist, ideally both of you, although I would hope you will find it helpful talking things through with a counsellor on your own.

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Hugh Palmer on Sep 12, 2017

Hi MD.
I was coaching a client recently about the interactions she was having with a friend. There were arguments, inappropriate behaviors, and dissatisfaction. I asked my client to define for herself what friend meant and also what was the 'act' of being friendly. We then looked at the situation using these definitions as her guidepost. And although she was calling this person a 'friend' neither were following her definitions of friend or friendly behavior.
I share this as I was wondering if it would be helpful for you to take some time and define s/o for you. What your rules and expectations are. Also, what are the behaviors that you want in relationship. Are you doing those behaviors? Are you following your rules and expectations of an s/o?
Often we look to another to do these things (I know it's something that I have done in the past and have seen with coaching clients often) I have found it a helpful check in to notice what I am bringing to the table.
Sometimes we also have to realise that our s/o may not be able to or want to match in with our expectations. Our rules.
Then a different question arises as to what we choose to do next.
with gratitude
Jules

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Jules Wyman on Sep 13, 2017

I work as a therapist, what I would say to you if you were my client is this.

What would you say to a friend you told you this, how would you advise her or him? Actually stop and think this through.

By staying in the relationship what values are you honouring about yourself and if you left what values would you be honouring?

Ultimately there is something making you stay, that may be an old habit of putting up with being treated badly or it maybe that you see the best in the relationship. We sometime stay in relationship because they remind us of how we were treated as a child, even if that was negatively. Often with relationships where the romance part has been fast (you mentioned moving in after two months), the relationship can flounder quickly because we don't really know the person, we just know the chemical attraction and the things that we thought of them. Is this person still the person you fell in love with or are they someone who you don't really know?

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Mari Williams on Sep 13, 2017