My dad and his mother have never got along, linked to a tough relationship between them during my dad's childhood. My dad recently asked me not to speak to my nan anymore. What do I do?

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Sophie Deacon on Feb 09, 2016 • 3 answers
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My dad and his mother have never got along, linked to a tough relationship between them during my dad's childhood. My dad recently asked me not to speak to my nan anymore. He said knowing that I see her upsets him too much and drags up the past. I know my nan isn't perfect, but she is elderly and isn't going to change, so I don't want to cut all ties. What do I do?

Answers

Hey Sarah, I really hear how difficult that is for you and how much you care for your dad whilst also wanting to still see your nan.
It sounds like you are very intuitive and are clear on what is best for you "I don't want to cut all ties", coming from a place of what is best for you enables you in the long term to better support those around you.
If someone has asked you to do something, you are not obliged to say yes. However, we want to be able to support the people we love right?
So in this situation I might say "I'm glad that you feel you can ask me to support you. What I want in this situation is to stay connected to my nan, so how else can I support you with this that doesn't mean completely disconnecting her from my life?"
Follow your gut Sarah and trust yourself :)

Go to the profile of Lydia Kimmerling
Lydia Kimmerling on Feb 09, 2016
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Hi Sarah,

This is a tough situation and no matter what you do you will possibly upset someone. As a result the only thing you can do is what feels most right for you. Once you have made your decision you need to either let your Dad know, or your Nan. This can be done compassionately and with regard to the other persons feelings, but ultimately, you are the person you spend every minute of every day with. And you need to be comfortable with this. Remember also that none of this is your doing. You are, unfortunately, stuck in the middle of a problem between two other people. It is not your responsibility to shoulder any of the burden for this. Trust your instincts and make your decision without apology.

Go to the profile of Keith Clarke
Keith Clarke on Feb 09, 2016
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Hi Sarah,

It's never nice or fair when those you love ask you to chose between them or someone/thing else you equally care about. I think both Lydia and Keith offer the best if perhaps not the easiest advice. Do what feels best for you and don't feel rushed into deciding what that is. Whatever you decide will cause some level of pain to someone, yourself included, be prepared for that and also to being open to starting again / forgiving once emotIons have settled if harsh words are said. Sorry, it's not a nice situation to be in.

Go to the profile of Vicki
Vicki on Feb 10, 2016
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