I have been dating this man for 4 months now. He is wonderful but he is very reserved when it comes to his daughter and family. He has not even mentioned to his daughter they I exist.

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Jaime on Dec 14, 2015 • 5 answers
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I know he cares about me but it seems like he's waiting until he is sure. He is divorced just like me and besides that relationship he has only had one other one and the woman he was dating mistreated his daughter. Maybe they has something to do with it. Also, he doesn't talk much about his feelings for me. What do I do? I'm afraid I'm falling in love with him.

Answers

Hi Jaime,
Firstly the feelings you're having at this four month point in a new relationship are very normal! In the early stages of a relationship when oxytocin known as the 'love drug' is still racing round the women's system, attention and words that offer future security can be an almost like addictive craving. We need them! I know, I have been there, seen it countless times in clients and wrote about this in my book 'Intuitive Lovers'.

Men can take longer to fall but when they fall they fall hard. A women takes less time to fall in love, but can fall out of love faster. Sometimes just because the oxytocin has worn off! Breath and enjoy the journey! Build the connection slowly, it means the relationship lasts longer statistically.
It sounds like he has been through a lot, and he can't give you relationship insurance right now. You have to love him for protecting his daughter, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't tell her either, not yet. She may still be processing the last one who mistreated her.

What you need to do is control your anxiety at this time. I have created a film for you to see on my youtube channel: https://youtu.be/aV0ulPs2WBU

You might also like this one on relationship insurance, although it doesn't exactly apply to you. https://youtu.be/S53I0OzK1Pw

Read my book 'Intuitive lovers' for more love insights and more tips on how to solve anxiety in a new relationship.
Good luck Becky x

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Becky Walsh on Dec 14, 2015
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Hi Jamie,
It sounds like you are not sure about whether your partner shares the same feelings you have for him, and that him telling his daughter about you is one way (the only way?) to demonstrate his feelings for you. Are there are other ways he can demonstrate his feelings for you?

I am wondering whether he knows what you want from a relationship and what is important to you? Are there ways in which you can create space for him to show these things for you? Perhaps ask yourself what it is about this man that is so great that he is worth your attention.

As lovely as he may be, I fear you are getting yourself into a place of neediness and loosing your 'power'. As Becky says, it is not uncommon to feel a need for reassurance. If you are not getting that, a solution is to gently take a step back and do things for yourself, see friends, be busy for a while, regain your footing.

Taking things slowly is fine especially when children are involved, but ultimately communication is key. Between telling your partner what you are looking for in a relationship (with a man, not him in particular) and giving him space while you regain your power, I think you may find it's not all that bad after all.

Best of luck.
Madeleine

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Madeleine Mason on Dec 14, 2015
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Hi Jaime,
Glad Becky has replied to your question – falling in love is a chemical response.
It sounds like you are confused and fearful as to where the relationship is going and at what pace it is moving for each of you. If you planted two sunflower seeds at the same time, would they grow at the same rate? If one had pebbles placed over the top would this seed take longer to bloom?
It seems from your question that you are aware and understanding as to why he is hesitant to introduce you to his daughter. You are obviously a considerate and compassionate person to realise that he may be waiting until he is sure, and the mistreatment of his daughter by his past relationship is influencing his behaviour, justifiably. I would just say to try and not it take personally, which is a lot easier said than done. You are aware of his reasons for taking it slow and as you said; you know that he cares about you, which is a good and necessary base for any relationship.
Warmest wishes, Nicola x

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Nicola Vanlint on Dec 14, 2015
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Hi Jamie, after my divorce it took me several months to introduce my new partner to my daughters. This was primarily about protecting them, and also about taking my time until I knew the relationship would last. Many people do this, for all sorts of reasons and it seems to me that the missing piece here is understanding of what is happening for your partner in all of this. I would take the direct approach and ask him, in a loving non-confrontational way making it clear that you will accept and respect his answer whatever it is. It may or may not be the answer you are expecting but by shining a light on the situation you will bring clarity and truth, rather than darkness and confusion. If this is a relationship worth having and worth investing in, you need to be able to have these kinds of conversations, without fear or assumptions getting in the way.

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David Head on Dec 14, 2015
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Dear Jaime

Thank you for sharing your question so openly and honestly. You have already received some valuable and helpful thoughts from my colleagues.

Your last sentence about you being afraid of falling in love with him reminded me of a poem by Rumi. It goes like this:

The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling they are given wrings.

In answer to your question 'What do I do?' I want to reply: Feel your feet on the ground, breathe into your belly, and acknowledge the fear that comes with 'being on the verge of falling in love with someone'. It's okay because by nature it is anxiety provoking indeed, as it requires us to open our heart, to let down our guards, to make ourselves vulnerable. We risk to be rejected, to be hurt. At the same time we risk connection, love, intimacy, friendship, companionship... That's there too and something we can gain by allowing ourselves to explore a possible relationship... The important thing is that you stay connected to yourself, to what you want in a relationship and to your feelings while being open to explore what's possible with patience and care and kindness for yourself and him.

With well-wishing,

Karen

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Karen Liebenguth on Dec 15, 2015
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