I've been lost many times - emotionally and spiritually. (Though never physically as I seem to have a built-in compass) and this year has been a year I've lost my way again.
I'd lost my way before COVID, a husband who almost died, a husband who was ill, my mom having pneumonia then a stroke, plus running my own business and trying to do what I do, be there for everyone. And then COVID struck.
For me, I have been busy, lots of work, more work than I can handle, but I said yes to it all. My husband constantly talking about how his company is going to go under, how he might not have a job when he comes off furlough, so I did what I do and said yes to everything even though it was exhausting and not what makes me shine. I put my real dreams on hold, the real Haulwen in her box and dimmed her sparkle and magic to earn the cash to pay the bills to pay off the debts.
For those of you who know me, you'll know that I have two businesses The Packaging Oracle my packaging consultancy (21 years working in the industry focused on packaging optimisation) and my Magical Mojo Coach where I run online coaching programmes to help women to reconnect with their mojo, their inner wise.
With all of the work I had, it came to my packaging business, so I put on hold my coaching business as something had to give. Even though this is what I love.
I was even going to pack the whole coaching thing in because I don't like selling and with my packaging consultancy people come to me so I don't have to sell. But one wonderful thing stopped me, a book. Not any old book, but the book I'd being commissioned to write and the book says I am a coach. And I am a coach, but I felt guilty for charging people for doing something I love. But that book and the fact it's being published saying I am a coach is what has reminded me that that is what I am, but the writing of the book helped me in more ways than I could have imagined. It's about personality type testing and of course where I could, I needed to do the tests, and although I'm a trained Myers Briggs practitioner and have already done a lot of work on reconnecting with my self, I still learnt more (and will continue to until I die) and some of those things really made me realise what it is that makes me shine.
You see I'd made a similar mistake that I had before. I'd listened to what other people told me I was. People told me I was good at coaching, so that's what I did, just like my teachers told me I was good at science so I did science like people say I am good at packaging so I do packaging. I'd fallen into my own trap and what I thought was following my dreams was actually me people-pleasing again.
You're confused, aren't you? How can you say you are a coach but not be a coach?
Well, the thing is I am full of ideas. I love creating and then love sharing my knowledge with others, but once its created I get bored and move on. My initial idea 3 years ago had been to set up an online training platform to make coaching affordable but a business coach talked me out of it and told me to focus on packaging.
Then I did some face to face coaching, and although I adore helping people and it lights me up when they get a breakthrough. It also didn't feel quite right.
So, in the end, I launched my online coaching program and loved creating brand new content every month, then moving on to the next idea to share with the women in my program. But something wasn't quite right, the things happening in my life were distracting me, but the program wasn't feeling like I wanted it too. So COVID and my work on packaging made me put the program on hold and my book made me keep in mind that actually I love this but need to make it work for me.
And that break has been as good as a rest. I've realised I was trying to be what everyone thinks a coach should be and instead I need to do my program as I want to do it, because I love making and creating new ways to help people, I love taking ideas and sharing them but adapting them to my own style, and I love being able to pass my knowledge to others. I realise that selling in the way we are "taught" to sell isn't what works for me, I am all about connection.
I've done lots of work on my money mindset and I'm blown away by how that's changed my world. And now the hard work on packaging is making me be able to pay off whole credit cards in one go, clearing my debts to remove a weight from myself that's been holding me back from being the maker and creator that I am.
But also realising I can do the same with my packaging knowledge because I want to share my knowledge and help people and ponit them in the right direction but always do it in my own quirky witchy way.
So I've got lost again, but like any time you get lost, it teaches you something or takes you somewhere that you wouldn't have expected. I'm still in the wild parts of the path, but I like the wild parts. I can see the way forward and I can see how this diversion has helped me to regain perspective and for me to grow and be true to me.