Self-compassion? What if I'm not worthy?

When you hear about self-compassion do you feel resistance inside? Me too!

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When I first came across self-compassion training I could feel the resistance at quite a visceral level. 

Deep down I was shouting "don't tell me I'm a good person, because you don't see the real me!"

How could I be self-compassionate when I knew that I was often so grumpy to my husband, I sometimes shouted at the kids (and didn't feel in control when I did), I was always tired and never seemed to be fun or funny or energetic any more? 

And I struggled to get on with my Mum, and surely any civilised human can be grateful and nice to their Mum?!

And I always seemed to question the status quo - I was told as a child that I was "difficult" and I believed that was true too. 

And sometimes I felt like I wasn't coping, my life wasn't sustainable (and it was all my fault for not being a better person) there was no way out, I just wanted to run away from my life, or worse...

It was the hidden parts of me, that I didn't want anyone to know, that stood in the way.

When you think about it, these hidden parts, that you prefer other people didn't see, are the reason you don't do all sorts of things:

Go for promotion, speak up, write that book, dare to be visible, ask for what you want...

I know, because that was me too.  Standing on the edge of my life, waiting to be a better human.


But along my journey I learned one important thing, and I want to share it with you today, because I want the best for you too.  It made me change my thinking.  It was so simple but I needed it to be made clear to me.

Appreciating yourself doesn't mean you are ALWAYS worthy. 

Appreciating that you have a lovely sense of humour doesn't mean that you always take things with a smile.  Appreciating that you're hard working doesn't mean you work hard all the time.  Appreciating that you're motivated doesn't mean you always have the energy.
You can still appreciate those things without judging yourself when you don't embody them all the time.

And appreciating your good qualities doesn't mean you're saying you're BETTER than anyone else.  Just that you appreciate that you have some good qualities.  And so do other people.

We're all flawed.  We're all amazing.  We all struggle.  We all do hard things.  We all make mistakes.  (Often!)

But we don't have to let "all or nothing" thinking stop us from opening the door to a little self-love.


Waiting to be perfect before you dare market yourself as a coach, will mean you wait a long time. 

Waiting to be perfect before you ask your partner to treat you with respect is a very long road.

Expecting yourself to be "Marvellous" all the time is setting yourself up to fail.

Accepting that you're flawed, and working on it, whilst appreciating your good qualities is self-compassion and it's available to everyone.  Because we're all messy, complicated and flawed!

Nicola Harker

Coach and Mentor (ex-doctor) and teacher of Self-Compassion, Nicola Harker Coaching

Using neuroscience, self-compassion techniques and coaching as well as high-performance techniques I help my clients free their potential and get back to their true selves so that they can thrive in life.