Half way in- how was it?
Week 24 in the Wake up challenge a week of reflection on the last 6 months of the experiment
Can I just start this post in a positive way… I have come so far in the last 6 months…. it has gone so quickly and in another 6 months it will be over which leaves me feeling slightly melancholy.
You see I come from a large family of 6 and I was the youngest by a long shot so it was normal to be looked after and equally bossed around by the older ones as well as told to shut up on occasion. We were brought up to think we were no better than others but also that we shouldn’t take any sh*t off anyone. We weren’t hysterical people we just got on with things with the less fuss the better and we were definitely discouraged from blowing our own trumpet or thinking too much of ourselves . Dad was brought up in tough times, his brother killed in Burma during the war and with a Mam who never got over it. They had no money so he worked hard, built up a successful contracting business and he played hard , he shot clay pigeons on an international level for Wales and he raised six children. Dad was the boss, no matter what and we generally did anything for a quiet life apart from a few teenage rebellions. He had no time for any slackers or anyone who was ill, you just had to get on and when I think back to how he must have been raised, our childhoods in the 60’s and 70’s must have seemed like nirvana to him. So however much I resented him at 16 at 46 I respect that man and miss him terribly. What I guess I’m trying to get at is that I never really knew who I was and never thought I was good enough and often a little confused about my place in life. I’ve had times when my self-esteem has been at an all-time low. I’ve sometimes felt overburdened by my responsibilities as a single , full time working parent torn sometimes between being there for my son and work commitments as well as at trying to support my parents. I’ve sometimes felt beaten by life’s challenges, all my fight had packed its bags and left the building and I’ve been broken hearted to the point I was only existing . I’ve often felt afraid of what others might think and also tied into what I thought I ought to be doing as regards to marriage, work, family etc . Afraid of trying in case I failed, afraid of making a show of myself or afraid of someone thinking ‘ who the hell does she think she is?’
So what’s changed. I feel like I have found my voice through Wake up, and more than that I am changing. I’m doing things I never thought I would do again, I’m trusting to share my life with another human being and I am going to study something I have been interested in for years and hopefully fulfil my ambition to become a therapist full time helping other people to get better. I am scared, that I will be giving up financial security but the thought of doing my job for another 16 years scares me more. I’m putting my faith in the universe and I am determined to make a go of it, before I would not have dreamed of giving up a okish paid job to follow my dreams. We all know but choose sometime to ignore that we only get one go at life and as I am only beginning to understand I only regret things that I don’t do and not the ones that I do.
Over the last six months I have come to love reading everyone else’s take on each week and the support given is just such a buzz. I feel so connected to these people I have never met. I’d go so far as to say the experience shapes my week, I enjoy the contemplation of how I expect to carry out each week’s experiment and then I enjoy doing something different and the places I go to in my head as I start to collate my thoughts before I put pen to paper. That’s why I will be more than a little sad when this ends. I can honestly say since taking part in Wake up I am almost 100% more positive on a daily basis. The little lessons learnt along the way are definitely staying with me. I am definitely spending time outside first thing, collating my thoughts for the day, I am learning to appreciate nature , I am de-caff now, I buy less ‘stuff’ ( except blumming paint that is!), when I need motivating I listen to some loud music, I am more likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger, I am focussing on my goals and I now realise it is people who are important not things or the need to get things done. In short I am living my life in the present.
So wow! How much would it have cost in therapy to change my mind set to default positive ( I have been and it did cost a lot and it didn’t work long term) I’m so glad I sent that email six months ago and I guess in some ways I am learning to actually like myself and ever so tentatively put my lips to that mouthpiece and start trumpeting ( I love that word !) Wake up Rocks! You should try it.