The capital punishment of my Ego

The first time when you make it not about yourself, it becomes external and cannot affect you

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So my husband and I went to one of the frequent events we love attending yesterday, the Fearless Speaking Academy. An event created by Warren Ryan in September 2015 that we also attended.

I will quickly tell you the whole story from the start.

In September 2014 I went through a life-changing experience when I lost touch with the closest people in my life in one day, I experienced shunning. Even though I was studying to become a psychotherapist and counsellor and I knew a lot about trauma, change and loss I was so overwhelmed by such a severe and unexpected chain of events that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Feelings of anger, denial, frustration and confusion were strongly affecting me and made me feel very unwell. It affected all aspects of my life. It hurt so much that words can’t describe this. I cried every day for a few months as I had so much pain and grief in me.

And then one day I had enough and wanted to have ME back. I heard about NLP and signed up for a course, that started a new journey in my life and changed everything. I am so grateful I met Dave Wooley, the guy that stands behind some of the changes I took control off. Then everything moved so fast.

I discovered the self-development movement and all those people who were always there but I seemed not to notice before. The first one was Michael Serwa. When I found him I was like OMG, can someone be bolder, upfront or honest? Yeah, he is Polish so that comes with the genes, but my gosh! He inspired me so much that I would need to write a whole chapter just about him and the impact he had on my life!

I was so hungry for the new knowledge that I was constantly searching for people who he was surrounding himself with, and I connected with many of his links, including Warren Ryan!

Then I started watching Warren’s videos and felt the contagious energy of this incredible young Londoner who moved to a Mayfair apartment back then.

Warren was advertising for his first FSA in July I think, and I was feeling so sad, that my circumstances were preventing me from attending, I lived in Jersey back then and had very limited funds. Well, the Universe has a wicked sense of humour! To cut a long story short…In August we were living in London and attended the first ever FSA! I met so many amazing people there, Bally, Kat, Leanne, JoJo (with tiny Noah in her tummy then) and so many others!

The energy and level of vibrations was phenomenal! Because the speakers are not professional speakers, and because they are not trained toast masters, they connected with me. On a very profound level, level of pain. The level that moves us from where we are, forward. We begin to feel part of something bigger, greater!

Since the first FSA I thought, oh no I don’t want to do it, although I thought I had a few stories I didn’t want to talk about them as they are not that amazing, they are not special, they are actually sad. I don’t have a success story yet, I am not entrepreneur, or higher achiever, I am just passionate about people’s happiness, but didn’t quite figure out how to do it yet…

I witnessed the FSA growing bigger and bigger each time we were attending, and each time I felt less and less drawn to the idea of talking on the stage. I thought: ‘not everyone needs to be a speaker to help others’. Of course not, and I just enjoyed watching others growing and achieving their dreams that are all around helping other people. I remember Kayleigh, who attended her first FSA I think in February, when I met her. She was talking yesterday and she was incredible! Well done girl!

I remember Taylor, who was dragged outside of her comfort zone on one of latest FSA as well and she was growing in front of us on the stage in the skilful and safe hands of Warren. And there was me, yesterday sitting with Taylor, telling me that she is doing the next FSA and me telling her, ‘ah, that’s fantastic, I am not ready for it yet’.

I was in the space of one of my 'zones', when I saw Warren walking in the middle of the room towards the end with his eyes closed, and then he stopped and pointed his finger at me, and I looked again to check if that was actually me he was pointing at. And OMG it was me!!! OHHH NOOO my heart was screaming so loud! NO PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME. He led me to the stage and that it was when I saw it. F..k, I am standing here in front of a full room! It didn’t look so full when I was sitting at the back. OH NO! I looked around trying to appear normal and OK and checked all the doors and potential fire exits, but they were blocked, flooded with people! People who were staring at me! OMG!!! What will happen now!

By trying to give you my real perception of the event, my heart starts pounding and I experience pins and needles again for the second time! This is not a nice feeling, but is much nicer than what I felt yesterday. When I stood there in front of everyone, completely unprepared thinking “why didn’t you prepare your pitch? Why dint you have your 5 minutes story ready for such a moment?” Why? Why?Why? I know Natalia what you are thinking right now... The Eric Ho’s ready 5 minute pitch…Unfortunately I didn’t have it prepared my love...

So I can see Warren’s mouth moving, but somehow I lost the ability to understand his language for a few seconds, OMG! What language does he speak? Is it English? Is it Polish? No, it can’t be, Warren doesn’t speak Polish you plonker!

I managed to mumble something in response, but my voice sounded robotic to me and I had an out of body experience. Yes, my dissociation kicked in to rescue me! I felt my heart jumping out of my chest so hard and I am sure those in the first row could see it as well.

Then I can see Warren walking away and leaving me alone on the stage saying to me to talk about my passion. My passion? My mind says people, but what about them? Most of us in this room are passionate about people, but what is my passion? Oh I know, I know but I am really not ready for sharing my story :(

I said something, and Warren stopped me. He asked the audience if I spoke from my heart or my throat. They said ‘my throat’. How couldn’t they see that I was suffocating, just let me say something and go, PLEASE PEOPLE HAVE A HEART! No, they were heartless, they made me do it again!

And then something very strange happened. Warren said “connect with your heart, don’t make it about you, you can’t fail being you”.

I looked at everyone, took a breath (I am sure it wasn’t a deep breath as I was hardly breathing) and connected with this dissociated part of me that was floating around trying to rescue me. I for a moment joined all the little parts of me, that were separated for the reason of protecting my vulnerabilities from the outside world. I managed to pull the parts together to combat this challenge with all of them on one team!

I then I spoke from my heart.

I shared the notion that came to me earlier on that day, that we all need to forgive ourselves to move forward. Most of us have done things that we are not proud of, or want to forget about. But this only hinders us from moving forward, from growing and from enjoying life on the highest spectrum! We can all change that by connecting with our past again and forgiving ourselves!

All of the audience then stood up and gave me the most beautiful butterflies in my stomach! I am so grateful to Warren for choosing me and taking me on that roller-coaster of an experience! I felt totally overwhelmed with emotions and didn’t manage to say the last sentence I wanted to say.

That most of us still feel shame, guilt and self-blame when it comes to our past. And the way to move on and be happy with yourself is to make a peace with the past, forgive yourself, as much as we do forgive our family and friends to stay in loving relationships with them. We cannot be friends with those that we can’t forgive, so how can the lack of self-forgiveness affect us? Our lives? Our happiness?

Thank you for reading this guys, I know it's a long one, but I just wanted to give you the flavour of what it is like to be dragged out to the stage where you feel you don't belong, and then feel the complete opposite!

Thank you Warren for being there for me! I couldn’t choose a better person to go through it with! I love you X

Agatha Penney

Psychotherapist, Counsellor & Coach, Self-Love Clinic Ltd

Having a philosophical background I keep my mind open to what constantly unfolds around me. I believe that we all came to this world with a purpose and message to deliver. We are here to learn and we are here to teach. No encounter is accidental or useless. Each person crosses paths with us for a reason. Nothing is permanent. We can learn anything at any age. We are the only limit for ourselves. And they are just some of my beliefs…