Week 9- Free writing- to journal every morning for four days
I have to admit I groaned when I read this weeks experiment. Don't get me wrong I have dabbled in journal writing ever since I can remember but I am always anxious that if someone came across my inner most thoughts that they may actually think I was mad. So random are the issues that occupy my mind. It doesn't help that I had trusted in my youth to leave my diary lying around in my bedroom only to find out to my horror that my Mam had read it. I had just met my first boyfriend ( who ended up becoming my husband and father to my son) and those thoughts in there were not for the eyes of my Mam. After a massive family showdown and my three older sisters getting involved I vowed that I would never write down my inner thoughts ever again so I suppose it is understandable why I would feel slightly negative towards this experiment. Everything in life that happens to us shapes us in someway.
However after a few days of procrastination I did sit down and write and I was surprised at what came out. It started off very negatively about how I was feeling. I have a few 'bad' anniversaries in February and being the last month of winter my reserves for positivity are at an all time low so in need of vitamin D am I! I’m still not fully mobile after my accident either so that doesn’t help. However as I wrote I seemed to go through some sort of cathartic process where, after a good cry instead of telling myself to pull myself together and kick myself up the butt as I normally do I told myself it was ok to cry and feel sorry for myself – it will pass. The sun will shine again soon. My writing them became more positive about my hopes and dreams for the future. I don’t think I am the best communicator in relationships and often my silence can often be mistaken for uncaring however I do recognise this and I am trying harder to overcome my shyness and reserve to speak my mind, and ask for things and to feel confident in doing so. This weekend I asked my boyfriend to take me out on a picnic somewhere high up so I could feel the fresh air on my face and feel alive. I think the writing helped me identify what I needed to feel better. Off we went to the Berwyn mountains up above our home – it was the coldest picnic I have ever had but as we drove back down in the pick up – we pulled up to view the setting sun. It was only an hour but I felt so much better afterwards. I don’t think I have realised how much my injury has impacted on my mental well being by just not being able to escape.
I must apologise for the rambling post, but I think it’s a reflection of the exercise. When I started to type I wasn't sure where the post was leading. I was reluctant to open my Pandora’s box of thoughts but after reading others blogs this week I have realised we are all the same deep down, we are all anxious, we all need love, we are all massively complicated human beings and we all grow every day with each new experience and we are all just trying our best every day. Some days are good, some days are bad and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if not every day is amazing we can only try our best to be strong, courageous and kind whatever the day throws at us.
Ted enjoying the sunset too