More reflection

Another week in the ‘wake up’, another week of reflection and I’m still enjoying every minute of it.

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Whether I have so much to learn, unearth or open up to I can only assume but as the weeks pass by the effects of the ‘wake up’ have left me craving more change. I know I need to change to free myself from the old me and the old demons that have always haunted me which I’ve been shackled to for far too long. It’s still early days but the chains certainly feel looser and all of the experiments have had a significant effect on me. Even the ‘Stuffocation’ experiment which at the time I seemed to struggle with has become a revelation. Since then I haven’t bought myself a single thing apart from food and water (the odd ale, oh yes and a garlic presser which I needed because the last one broke after over using it - oops).

The two questions I discovered in Stuffocation of; “How much do you want that?” And “How much do you need it?”, still ring in my ears when I get that tingle to purchase something. Stuffocation became a growing realisation – its impact set off a tremor that is now noticeable and was needed. I did shell out on Sarah’s ‘big’ birthday (a trip to New York in April to watch her hero Bruce Springsteen) but apart from that the experiment has changed me a great deal. It also taught me that the short endorphin rush that you get when you buy something lasts a lot longer when you buy a loved one something special. I’m still buzzing about Sarah’s birthday present and we’ve still got two more months before it happens. Thanks stuffocation.

This week of reflection has also had two major triumphs; 1) I’ve started downsizing my materialism. This has become a main priority for me. I started this week with clothes. Some of my clothes were older than twenty years. Books, DVD’s and bric-a-brac have been pencilled in for a week of binning stuff tying me down or I don’t use. 2) Thanks to Life Labs and some other person’s blog I have taken the first tentative steps in meditation. Hopefully this will improve my inner wellbeing.

Other reflections this week, that were reflected on previously still include the ongoing search to make some roots. I sometimes feel like a ghost wandering through the British landscape; I fall in love with beautiful and spiritual places so easily and yet don’t seem to plant my feet there. It’s like I want to be in different places on different landscapes at the same time. I’ve always felt this way, all my life. It doesn’t make sense. What stops me from settling in one of these great places? This year will hopefully be the year to simmer down and take stock of who I am, what I’ve got and what I want from this life. It’s a little disappointing to know that it’s taken me four and half decades of living and searching for ‘something’ and I still haven’t found ‘it’ yet. But hopefully through this ‘wake up’ I’ll find some answers somewhere or somehow. Even if all I’m left with is the ‘knowledge’ to find those answers then that will be a tremendous achievement and a way of moving forward away from those pesky little demons that have always stopped me from unlocking my true potential (whatever that is – I’m still unsure of what that potential is but I know it exists in me - somewhere, ahem). These really are exciting times indeed.

(Whisper it) but I think I’m slowly waking up. (Shush – don’t tell anybody).

Mark Cuddy

Someone who learned to wake up


Go to the profile of Fiona Dolben
over 5 years ago
What a lovely post! I am so glad you have found motivation to de clutter it will certainly help everything in my opinion. I don't think you should give yourself a hard time about not putting down roots. Home is not a place it is people you share your life with.
Go to the profile of Mark Cuddy
over 5 years ago
Very good point but I can't help feeling I've 'missed the boat' to putting down roots somewhere. I feel I should have been happier in other places were I felt a true connection to the landscape. Anyway enough about me, I hope you're feeling a better after your incident with the scatter cushion. Whenever I trip over something I always angrily ask, "Who put that there?" Then I work out it was me - doh!