Proof that achieving dreams can make you UNhappy!
I’m totes confused. I never use the word totes. It means totally, right?! Maybe I’m trying to be cool and hip. ;) Back to the point! I’m experiencing amazing things right now ...
I’m totes confused. I never use the word totes. It means totally, right?! Maybe I’m trying to be cool and hip. ;)
Back to the point! I’m experiencing amazing things right now – to be in the top 5 new voices selected by Hay House and Psychologies is amazing. Whether or not I win, it’s such a blessing. This is part of my dreams. And achieving dreams equals happiness right?
Well, at first I was super excited and happy. But once I loaded my profile up to Life Labs, about 24 hours later the anxiety hit. 48 hours later, more fear. 72 hours later? I literally broke down.
Who breaks down 3 days into an amazing opportunity!? Apparently I do.
So as with everything – I asked ‘why’?
I felt into it and sought intuitive clarity on what was going on. The surface reason I broke down is that I wasn’t getting many votes. Yes I know it’s only a few days in… and I know this is about my creative work and enjoying the journey… and I know that what will be will be.
BUT the deeper reason I broke down is that my insecurities about not being good enough, my feelings of being unworthy of an audience and fears of rejection by that audience, were being triggered big time. More than ever before.
I’ve never been this exposed, I’ve never felt so much like I could fail, let alone in front of a large audience. What if I squander this opportunity and it leaves me no better of? I’d feel so ashamed.
These insecurities, fears and shame are not being caused by this competition. Like many of us, I learned them in childhood and carry them into many areas of my adult life.
So what did I do?
Well, first I cried! Which I don’t do often so I’m glad I got that out as it’s very healthy. I’d like to do it more!! :) And then I let it all simmer and process. I know that when deep seated, painful emotions come to the surface like this, it’s because they are ready to be released. So embrace that, and let them out.
Perhaps when you are on an expansive path of growth, which living your soul’s purpose no doubt is, you have to break down the old before you can build the new. You have to de-clutter, to make space inside. You have to remove beliefs that no longer serve you, to make way for ones that do. And removing all that old stuff, bringing it up and out, is painful.
I’m still feeling a bit fragile – I think I will for a while. But at least I know what’s happening - a wonderful process of healing, growth and expansion on the path of my dreams. Growing pains. :)
If you liked this blog and would like to vote for me in the 'Ignite Your Life' competition as the New Voice of 2016, then all you need to do is click the vote button above! Thank you!
Psychologies and Hay House ran a competition in January 2016 to find the wisest new voice for 2016. We have now shortlisted our favourite five entrants. We were looking for a fresh and distinctive voice with a relevant message for our current times. If you enjoyed Pinky's entry then please vote.
Ignite is a day-long event dedicated to your wellbeing in London this March and you can get £10 off the ticket price here.