I am on the 5th year of my transition journey from Manchester to Norway and now I believe my whole being is somewhat getting settled. There were things on my long to achieve list. I have managed to find and created a calm space for myself which I do not have to share with anyone. I have managed to complete my overdue MSc. One of the main thing that keeps everything floating is the means of finances. Although money is not everything, it is somehow also everything, in a sense that once money becomes restricted your entire plans falls in a domino effect manner. I began working silly hours out of fear of not having enough money by the end of the month. I did what I could, finessing applications for any permanent full time position available. I have gained much experience at the current workplace yet my growth feels stagnant. I was and still find zero motivation, it’s like my body and mind is purging anything related to substance misuse. I’ve worked within it for 2 and half years while spending long hours reading and researching for my project on substances misuse. I practiced patience yet nothing was moving forward. I began the job hunt, applied for anything in health care. I was so caught up in gaining financial freedom I almost lost sight of what I’m really passionate about. At the same time, my long overdue side hustle was on my mind so I told myself to finally make a start and at least try to make something of it. I felt it required all my focus to researching ingredients and coming up with a business plan. I have no experience in marketing or cosmetology so after securing my main ingredient for the products, things got very overwhelming so I had to pause.
I remembered to breathe and to be patient. I took a break from social media, I could not journal or be supportive to anyone not even myself. My vibe was out of sync, the winter months became unnaturally long and darker. My Anxiety became heightened followed depression moving into my space. Hibernation was welcomed and interactions to the bare minimum. I slept too much, cooked and ate whatever my soul craved. The interviews began and for each one my hopes were high. Perhaps too high because rejection after rejection made me more frustrated. Adding salt to injury, a personal event that I had prayed and looked forward had to be cancelled. Reflecting particularly on that one event now, I believe I dodged a huge bullet hurray. I needed to learn another lesson in order to be able to align what really matters the most.
I also needed to a reminder that my journey is different. What one person achieves in their transition is not necessarily a blueprint for me. Again I practiced patience. I had to keep telling myself that everything that has happened, not only in the last 5 years but every event in memory, experiences both good and bad has shaped my growth, including my resilience and that my blessings are too many to count. Gratitude is a powerful tool when practiced daily so these became my new mantra. Be less anxious, let go of your fears and be grateful in your supplications. This changed everything, I began to exercise, my mood was brighter and I noticed an overall shift in spirituality. I found much appreciated support from my thrive tribe. On the International women’s day I looked outside my window and then I smiled. I am a strong woman and very proud of myself. I DO NOT GIVE UP.
I do my part and hope for the best so I sent more applications, the interviews resumed and each one ended with rejection. What now? The Creator surely knows best so I kept on asking in my supplications, teary filled eyes on my prayer mat and into my pillows at night. I asked not for financial freedom, rather what is best for me. I knew relief would come, I just had to wait patiently, beautifully and with certainty. My faith teaches me that whatever is meant for me shall not be given to anyone else and that whatever not meant for me shall not be given to me. So all those rejections had my name on them while the jobs had other people’s names on them. All the time spent finessing my applications helped. I got a call back just three weeks ago from the interview I felt went okay’ish, thus I was not expecting to hear back. I was told someone else got the job, no surprises there. Furthermore, that I made a great impression and I have excellent references. The manager offered a temporary contract which I accepted because it gives me time to figure out if I can see myself in that job permanently. What’s not to celebrate? The job is within children's psychiatry. THIS IS WHAT I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT!. I am passionate about early development into adolescence, from birth to the attachment phase and identity formation and many more exciting phases that follows.
My supplications were answered, I asked for what is best for me and here it comes. Although not in the way that I wanted but clearly in ways that is best for me and shall be better for me. This is truly a beginning of something exciting and if the manager believes in me then I must do whatever in my professional capacity so secure a spot on his permanent list of employees. Job hunting is tedious, stressful and rejections can knock half of anyone’s self-esteem off. The silver lining is patience, patience and gratitude. What is yours will be yours and to never give up, the devil is a liar.
Good vibes and light,
Image by: Quran Verses and Others