You’re probably here because you want to understand why, despite all your success in your career, you are never lucky in love. Well today is a step closer towards getting those answers.
As successful business women, a lot of our time is spent chasing targets at work and meeting deadlines, and our love life can often fall to the side lines, or even disappear altogether. Even when we do date, it’s never really 100% right, and even if it culminates into a few months of dating, the relationship always ends up fizzling out and you’re back at square one.
And that can be disheartening. Why am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong? How come she’s in a happy relationship and I’m not? These are all questions rushing through your head, before you push them down again and busy yourself with tasks at work.
The theory I am about to introduce is completely my own and it seeks to answer these questions and more. Based on my observations of women I have worked with as an alignment coach, as well as my own personal experiences, I have gained an understanding of the love life of a successful business woman and developed a way that explores and explains it so you can start to push through what is holding us back.
I hope this post is informative and helps you gain some clarity on your own situation. So let's begin.
What is the vicious circle of love?
When it comes to understanding love and life, I have noticed a number of patterns arise. These patterns produce what I like to call ‘a vicious love circle’, which means the love life of a successful business woman, which should be fluid and abundant, is stuck and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to shift it any further along towards the happiness you desire and deserve.
Every relationship you enter ends up in disaster, or at least it’s clear that it’s not working and you have to move on. You date men that don’t ignite your inner spark and no matter how hard you search and put yourself out there, you can’t seem to attract the person that brings you a lifetime of happiness, love and joy.
No matter what scenario you find yourself in with a man, the result is the same. This makes you feel sad and lonely, and as a result of each negative experience with love, you form a number of ‘love blocks’, which lead you to believe certain things about men and love in general that stop you from ever breaking free from this vicious circle.
In sum, there are six steps in the vicious love circle:
- You focus all your attention on being successful.
- You succeed in your pursuit of the career ladder and get to the top, receiving awards, recognition and promotions etc.
- You realise you feel lonely so you decide to fix your love life.
- You get disappointed because you can’t.
- ‘Love blocks’ form that stop you from breaking free.
- Instead of focussing on these love blocks, you become more determined than ever to succeed and that is how the circle becomes vicious. You develop a success mindset that brings you even more disappointment in love, more love blocks form and it goes on.
You feel like your dream man no longer exists and any search for love is futile. But it isn’t! Here’s why.
Where does it come from?
The reason you’re trapped in this vicious circle of love goes back much further than you think. Back to childhood in fact. Having helped hundreds of women around the world reconnect with themselves and in turn the man of their dreams, I have noticed three different scenarios arise, and each of them relate to how they were treated by their father growing up.
This is someone whose father loved them a lot and wanted to see her succeed, and that’s no bad thing. He expected her to do well at school (which she made sure she did) and he truly wanted the best for her. Keen to prove her worth, the pleaser takes this mindset through into adulthood and climbs the career ladder extremely successfully. She chases praise and works hard to gain that feeling of reward.
Alternatively, many women grow up with the complete opposite. Drawn from my own experiences as a child, this is a girl whose father didn’t love her enough. Keen to prove him wrong and show that she isn’t ‘zero’, the rebel adopts a very driven mindset and is determined to prove that she can surpass the low expectations set by her father. Again, she reaches her goals and revels in the praise initially, but that doesn’t last forever and soon she begins to question everything.
I’ve also met women who have grown up without a father in their lives, and from my observations, they have married early and pursued successful careers for the approval of their husbands. This is a very rare case, but again, it’s worth noting.
Whilst all three scenarios are different, they all consist of women who chased success to prove something. Keen to garner the approval of another, they followed a path that wasn’t completely their own, so when the initial rush of success wore off, other aspects of their life, like their relationships, struggled to work.
This deep-rooted desire for approval has been holding you back and that’s because you’ve been living your life for the sole purpose of meeting the expectations of someone else. And when it comes to love, a relationship will only end in heartbreak if you haven’t, first and foremost, got faith and respect for yourself.
The Success Vs Love Mindset
Mindset has a huge effect on the way we behave. And the dominant mindset in the women I have worked with centres around success.
Characterised by control, planning, goals and reward, this success mindset is very rigid and simply does not work in love. Love relies on fluidity, being spontaneous, falling for someone without explanation or too much certainty, whereas success demands the complete opposite.
Imbued with this mindset, women who are too focussed on success end up attracting men that simply aren’t right for them because it is simply impossible to attract a good guy with the success mindset you have got. You don’t know what you really want, or what is good for you.
From emotionally unavailable men to the men too soft in nature, they’re not really aligning with that elusive man of your dreams (whoever he might be!) and ultimately, things don’t work out. Even in existing marriages, I’ve seen the husband’s success decline as the woman has risen to the top and their relationship break down as a result.
True love should be able to withstand anything, but if you’re too caught up in this success mindset, you’ll struggle to attract a man and a relationship that can see you through it all.
Why can’t we just switch?
As I have explained, the problem is extremely deep-rooted, so that already makes it difficult. What’s more, work is super demanding, so when a successful woman leaves the office, they don’t just simply switch off.
Successful women are obsessed with control and they love to plan, so of course, all their free time is scheduled in the same way. From beauty treatments, going for coffee with friends, heading out for dates (that never go too well!), every hour of every day is planned and that’s how you like it. It makes you feel comfortable, because that’s all you’ve ever known. You’re scared to branch out and try something different because that feels uncertain and you like to know exactly where your life is going.
All of this leads to a circle that feels impossible to break. For so long, successful women have suppressed things from their past, their failed relationships and their real feelings because it’s easier than facing them head on. But the more you’ve ignored them, the thicker the circle has become and the further away you have travelled from your true self and from your heart.
More and more love blocks have formed, each negative love experience is even more painful and, following every new disappointment, you feel like giving up altogether. You focus on your career and being successful because at least this is something you know, something you can control, something that is your comfort zone. It will never fail you, whereas love and relationships have failed you time and time again. You feel trapped in this vicious love circle and you don’t know how, or if you will ever, break free.
But it is possible to break it. In my upcoming blog posts, I will explain how, so sign up to my newsletter to be sure you don’t miss out!