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​An uncomfortable awakening.

Go to the profile of Vicki
Jan 04, 2016
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It's odd, it's not until you are actually called up to explain 'why' you love someone that you realise how, in many of the situations you do say 'I love you' it's pretty much an automated response, as much as 'good bye' and 'thank you' are, and as such, loses a lot of its impact and meaning.

The thought of having to explain to someone just why I love them is so far removed from my 'current' self that if I had not been fortunate enough to have been picked as one of the Great Wake Up bloggers I likely would have called it quits there and then. Rejection, along with failure, are my two greatest fears and this 'voluntary' opening up to others, even if it is about them and not me, pulls pretty hard at both those wires.

So… first up… my husband. After several days of waiting for the perfect opportunity, (an obvious delaying tactic if ever there was one), I finally realised I had to just go for it.

It did not start well.

My nerves got the better of me. I felt embarrassed and exposed by the situation and without thinking fell back into my usual behaviour and went on the attack. Not great... and definitely not the point of the exercise! A few minutes in and on the verge of causing an argument I took a deep breath, tried again and while I may not have been as eloquent or as complete as I would have initially hoped, I did manage to get a few of the important points across.

Do I feel better for having done it? I'm not sure, I still feel a bit unbalanced by it all. I think the process you go through answering the question is an important one. It made me realise just how much I take for granted from those around me and how truly fortunate I am with my friends and family. I also think it's important, perhaps even more so, to the person you are telling. Everyone suffers, to some degree, with moments of self-doubt and periods when they feel alone and this is an account of some of the great things about them that they can hold onto and reminds them that you are thinking of them.

So, despite how uncomfortable the start of this challenge has been, I am truly glad to have started this year long 'Great Wake Up' project with everyone. I do not doubt that this is only the start of many watershed moments for me.

Now... to pluck up my courage for the next three on my list.


Vicki

Go to the profile of Vicki

Vicki

I currently live in London but having been born in Canada, lived in Nigeria until my early teens and schooled in Scotland, if you ask me where I am from, I will struggle for a quick answer. I am an excellent self-saboteur and use humour and a practiced laissez-faire attitude as a shield to having to address difficult situations properly. The ‘Great Wake Up’ is me, finally trying to step clear of my overdeveloped protective mechanisms, and to start to interact as closely and honestly to life around me and enjoy myself whilst doing so.

8 Comments

Go to the profile of Chris Baréz-Brown
Chris Baréz-Brown over 2 years ago

Super well done Vicki, I so agree with you that it is easy to say 'I love you' without it having meaning. Self doubt rears it's head for all of us so you are right, we need to be reminded of what makes us special. Reckon the first one is the hardest; you are on a roll now! Chris x

Go to the profile of Jacqueline Zivkovic
Jacqueline Zivkovic over 2 years ago

One of my ex-bosses, who was a general in the Lebanese army, used to say 'those you love the most, are the hardest to say it to'. :)

Go to the profile of Donna Etiebet
Donna Etiebet over 2 years ago

What was the reaction!?

Go to the profile of Vicki
Vicki over 2 years ago

Thanks, Chris. However I think I may have saved the hardest for last!

Go to the profile of Vicki
Vicki over 2 years ago

Jacqueline, I definitely agree with your ex boss.

Go to the profile of Vicki
Vicki over 2 years ago

Donna, ummm.... I think I'll be trying this one again and then i'll let you know.

Go to the profile of Fiona Richmond
Fiona Richmond over 2 years ago

So amazing, and so beatifully written.

Go to the profile of Vicki
Vicki over 2 years ago

Thanks Fiona.