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An uncomfortable awakening.
It's odd, it's not until you are actually called up to explain 'why' you love someone that you realise how, in many of the situations you do say 'I love you' it's pretty much an automated response, as much as 'good bye' and 'thank you' are, and as such, loses a lot of its impact and meaning.
The thought of having to explain to someone just why I love them is so far removed from my 'current' self that if I had not been fortunate enough to have been picked as one of the Great Wake Up bloggers I likely would have called it quits there and then. Rejection, along with failure, are my two greatest fears and this 'voluntary' opening up to others, even if it is about them and not me, pulls pretty hard at both those wires.
So… first up… my husband. After several days of waiting for the perfect opportunity, (an obvious delaying tactic if ever there was one), I finally realised I had to just go for it.
It did not start well.
My nerves got the better of me. I felt embarrassed and exposed by the situation and without thinking fell back into my usual behaviour and went on the attack. Not great... and definitely not the point of the exercise! A few minutes in and on the verge of causing an argument I took a deep breath, tried again and while I may not have been as eloquent or as complete as I would have initially hoped, I did manage to get a few of the important points across.
Do I feel better for having done it? I'm not sure, I still feel a bit unbalanced by it all. I think the process you go through answering the question is an important one. It made me realise just how much I take for granted from those around me and how truly fortunate I am with my friends and family. I also think it's important, perhaps even more so, to the person you are telling. Everyone suffers, to some degree, with moments of self-doubt and periods when they feel alone and this is an account of some of the great things about them that they can hold onto and reminds them that you are thinking of them.
So, despite how uncomfortable the start of this challenge has been, I am truly glad to have started this year long 'Great Wake Up' project with everyone. I do not doubt that this is only the start of many watershed moments for me.
Now... to pluck up my courage for the next three on my list.