How do I decide?

Multi-tasking! Or simply a coincidence that all of the buses turn up at the same time when I only need to choose one?

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Anyone can journal, but it isn’t easy. It’s something that can offer a release or suspend the writer. The writer is the person holding the pen. In this case it was me, and as I copywrite my own notes into a typescript blog I am already feeling that dizzy sensation which I can only explain as doubt as I allow myself to open up and explore the monologue within.

What am I doubtful of?

In recent months I have been exploring through creative coaching and self-awareness practises as a member of Life Labs and a subscriber of quite a fabulous magazine. I say quite because I always say quite and I don’t to say too much more, because I withhold from being too kind, unintentionally.

Sometimes when I am too kind, often on occasions others think I want something.

I rarely want anything. 

Don’t get me wrong, to live, I need quite a lot to survive, you know, a roof over my head, food in my belly, heat in the winter, clothes to deliver me that essence of privacy. I don’t believe I've ever worn clothes to appeal to others, I merely dress to suit myself, or the environment. Is this appealing to others? For example: I wouldn’t visit the gym in my PJ’s and I wouldn’t turn up for work in a swimsuit, because the environments I attend to, and live within, they have their own rules, and rules are essential to be followed, to fit in.

I feel like I am growing and developing every day, I have become a sponge for information, processing data, and researching the adventures of others, and I am also, nowadays, very conscious of it.

When I was younger and before the many changes that occur in life through growing up, and the making of choices that suit the situation. I was never as conscious of my learning.  I knew I always wanted to know more, and it was often the case that I just didn’t know who to ask so I winged it. I went with the flow. I accepted whatever came to me. I hear today that this approach to life is linked to the vibe of a Universal Law. I can relate, but the Universal Law can only take me so far, it contains religious elements, and now that I am conscious of this. I am stuck.

If I ask peers a question because I am stuck, they often say, have you tried googling it? Since attending the Introduction to Counselling course, I’ve recently asked myself: Does the internet really know everything? 

The internet is full of information that wants to help, it’s like a giant school, a global life-long-learning facility. There are so many interpretations of need and want that I can be hypnotised into reading information for hours. The difference between the education online compared to the education I paid for in recent years, or choose today to source locally for free, it’s different. I’ve noticed that for every single opinion there are twenty more, and more. For every single website that is professional there are twenty more that are not professional.  I am being kind proclaiming twenty. I could easily say twenty thousand, or more.  

This brings me back to the introduction: 

  • Multi-tasking? Or simply a coincidence that all of the buses turn up at the same time when I only need to choose one?

Has this ever happened to you? Better still, have you had twenty thousand buses ever turn up, all at the same time?

Okay, so in reality I can push to three buses turning up. It happened to me a lot of the time when I was younger, before I learned to drive, and even today when I choose to use the bus in an attempt to be kinder to the environment. I will wait for twenty minutes, then three buses will all turn up all at once. Most of the time, there is only one bus. 

If I consciously dig a little deeper into those three buses, they may all be headed in the same direction, they may have doubled up because one was late and the other was early. The buses may not all be going in the same direction, and as I raise my hand to stop the buses, the one I want may pass me by. It is usually the one that was running late that chooses to ignore my request so that it can catch up, it has its own priorities. The bus that I don’t need also passes by, and the one I asked to stop I then take steps to climb onto.

I try to think of this moment relative to the decision making and the choices I make in life.

My inner critic responds with, “You probably took the bus that takes ten minutes longer to get to the destination, when you could have taken the second bus and got there sooner.”

As I said, I have been developing and growing in my mindset, and I have begun to notice something in listening to myself, and my environment. The inner critic isn’t really my own voice, it is someone else’s. It is an external voice that plays out in my head because I hadn’t realised that I had set aside my own willpower ‘to keep the peace’.

The external peace was sadly allowing my mind to be riddled in conflict. Even when I made some great decisions. 

I was making decisions then beating myself up emotionally afterward. How odd is that? But it’s not odd, it is in essence a natural unconscious reaction, and now that I was conscious of it, I was feeling dizzy with it. So how do I become unstuck, I ask myself, how do I handle this conscious conflict? 

I did something that I like to do, and attended a few courses, that suited me. I attended the courses with an open mind. I have begun to return to my more youthful mindset and go with the flow, connect with others and wing it. Winging it, could be professionally translated as ‘be prepared to take the risk.’ 

Since re-embracing my ‘self’, it has been a turbulent road. I have been winging it and have become quite tolerant to flying and turbulence. In this process of development and change, I am catching planes, rather than buses, and sometimes one of those planes doesn’t arrive on time, and I begin to fall, I wait. I wing it. I go with the flow, and usually another three planes turn up to catch me. Sometimes, I panic because the ground is going to hit me quite hard, so I jump onto the first plane, it delays me, but on the positive side, I feel saved for a little while.

Sometimes I face my fears and wait for the last plane because I know I can.

Sometimes I jump on the plane that isn’t even travelling to my destination, because I fancy the adventure.

Life! It is filled with choices. Sometimes it feels like I am multi-tasking, at other times I am simply in the flow.

I have an idea for a new adventure. Who should I ask? 

How about Suzy Walker or Ali Roff.

Julie Spencer

Cover Supervisor and Creative Writer

Proud to be an Ambassador for Psychologies Magazine. I value kindness, compassion, professionalism and integrity. I recently spent 3 years writing in solitude in an attempt to find my inner-poet. Did I succeed? After reading a book that suggested I acknowledge my fears and challenge them anyway. I accepted the challenge and choose to journal and publish my findings here.

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