6 reasons why you are still single

Someone was telling me the other day about how vexed they had felt over being asked why they were ‘still’ single, as if there was something wrong with them, as if it was an undesirable status. I thought about some of my clients and looked at research on reasons why people are single. While I think having time to be single is extremely important, I also recognise that many prefer to be in a relationship and others still crave to be in one. With so many singles out there, what is the problem?

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1. You are stuck in fantasy

Some people are more in love with the idea of love than the reality of what it means to be in a relationship. You imagine that you will feel fulfilled and whole if you are married, or at least have a partner you can call your own. When you are stuck in fantasy, you are likely to enter a series of relationships only to discover that none of them are ‘the right ones’. You are a perpetually single.

2.You are boring

You have no interests, no hobbies and generally feel that there is not much that life has to offer. If this is you, you may find it incredibly difficult to find someone to engage with you. People who have things to talk about, and have things that engage them, are more attractive. They have opinions and are better able to contribute to conversation.

3. You are afraid

You may deep down be afraid to commit to someone. The thought of being monogamous or having to negotiate your time and whereabouts with another person feels stifling and nauseating. Many people who feel this way will be married to their work or social life instead and say things like 'I don't have time to date'.

4. You are still mourning your ex

You are going through a break-up and processing the pain of that. This leaves you in a place of solitude. You simply want to mourn in peace as it were, picking the pieces together. Some find re-bound relationships helpful, but they are not likely to help in the long run.

5. You are work-in-progress

You might be engrossed in something that doesn’t allow for a relationship. Some people decide to go on a personal development journey and are actively taking ‘time-out’ to reflect and renew themselves. You may be in career-transition or something that requires more of you than normal.

6. You choose to be

Finally, some people are simply happy to be single. They have created a life for themselves where they are content and not interested in a relationship. Interestingly, many who are happy to be single attract the most attention. So it may be worth emulating that mind-set in order to find a partner.

Whatever the reason, there is no particular right or wrong way to be. Just notice whether you really want a relationship, and if yes, perhaps think about what obstacles may be in your way to getting there. If no, then all is good! Keep on, keeping on.

Madeleine Mason Roantree

Dating Psychologist, The Vida Consultancy Ltd

Dating and relationship expert, with an MSc and BSc in psychology, pending counselling psychology doctorate, Cert. in Applied Positive Psychology, plus cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), person-centred and psychodynamic training. Madeleine offers personal coaching and counselling sessions as well as seminars and workshops. Having experience in marriage, divorce, dating and relationships, Madeleine is passionate about helping people to understand their own needs and getting successful results in their personal relationships. She was shortlisted for Dating Expert of the Year 2014 and 2015 at the UK Dating Awards, plus nominated best dating expert in the world at the 2016 iDate awards. She has worked with various publications such as TimeOut, Daily Telegraph, The Independent and continues to blog at LifeLabs. In 2016 she founded the UK Dating Fair, an annual event for singles to get dating advice and meet the best dating experts in the UK, she is open to collaboration and idea exchanges within the helping profession.