Is Your Inner Child Taking Over The Nest?
The relationship we have with our parents and caretakers is the most important emotional and psychological connection we will build - and it determines how we see ourselves and what we believe we deserve in life. You may aim to be a kind and loving parent, but there could be one child you've been neglecting to your detriment...your Inner Child.
The relationship we have with our parents and caretakers is the most important emotional and psychological connection we will build - and it determines how we see ourselves and what we believe we deserve in life.
You may aim to be a kind and loving
parent, but there could be one child you've been neglecting to your
detriment...your Inner Child.
Your Inner Child is both the memory of your early years, and the decisions your young mind made about yourself based upon those experiences. Particularly so if they were in any way emotionally, psychologically or physically traumatic - which is inevitable to some extent, because life always brings us traumas of some description.
Your children deserve a parent who is
emotionally 'available' and has taken the responsibility for
exploring, healing and making peace with their own past.
Research into emotional attachment
informs us that the biggest predictor of how well we will perform as
parents, is how much we've been able to make sense of our own past.
No matter what the distress or trauma
we've endured we need to be able to tell our own clear and consistent
story – which includes our painful memories - and to unpick and
challenge the lies we may have been believing about ourselves.
How does your inner child affect you as a parent?
Sure, if you had it bad as a kid you
may since have made a conscious decision to give your own kids a much
better childhood than you had.
That doesn't mean that you won't get in
the way of doing that sometimes, and make mistakes and mess up your
own good intentions. That's inevitable – and especially if your
inner child is being ignored and not getting their ongoing needs met
by you as their surrogate parent.
Your inner child will be involved in
all of those automatic behaviours which you might have noticed about
yourself, and thought 'that was a bit childish of me' and 'why on
earth did I say/do THAT?'
We all carry our own early template –
which holds the mixture of our programmed sub-conscious beliefs and
unmet needs, as well as our own tried and tested manipulations to get
others to meet those needs for us.
Assuming we haven't given up and become
emotionally detached and insular; we share a need for love, care,
attention, interest from others, fun, safety and the need for a
deeper connection with others and a mutual commitment to building a
happy relationship.
If you're inner child has been
emotionally traumatised and wounded then these wounds will continue
to express themselves until they are healed. Only we can do that
healing for ourselves, and in the meantime we will continue to act
like a wounded child - and this will impact all of our relationships
including those with our own offspring.
Your inner child might have some
deeper, and usually hidden, feelings of resentment at the needs of
your child(ren) and of having to put your own needs to one side. The
demanding question lingers in the back of the mind...'But what
about me and what I need?!!'
An intriguing psychological battle of
sibling rivalry can be created between our inner child and our
offspring. The inner child wants to come first... and paradoxically
they should.
I say this because when you have become
acquainted with your inner child, and found out what ails them - and
what they still want and need from you - you can then take
responsibility for providing that deeper inner sense of loving
compassion, self-care, and that 'home of safety' that may have been
missing for you all those years ago.
Having a needy inner child will not
only drain your energy (due to the inner dialogue and conflict going
on), it will also distract you from giving your own children the
focus and emotional connection they need and want from you.
The Triggers
Being a parent brings up specific
triggers for a wounded inner child which include both the memories
from the past – as well as the feelings about the present time
interactions, and the focus of attention.
You may have your own personal
triggers, but some of the more commonly shared ones are:
- Noise and mess around the house –
this feels chaotic and out of control
- Child tantrums – again
out of our control and we react with anger, shame or rage instead of
calm understanding and the ability to soothe our distressed toddle
- Oppositional and defiant
behaviour from our toddler – which we then take personally and
which activates our own fear of not being powerful enough. We
retaliate with aggression and it turns into two kids fighting one
another – yet one of them should be a grown up...YOU
- Being insulted and
rejected by your child – which is a natural developmental phase
for a child as they begin to detach and see themselves as separate
from the parent. Our inner child can feel wiped out by this and
withdraw care, or they may fight back. Either way is unhelpful and
counter-productive, because it doesn't help the son or daughter to
learn a better way of expressing their feelings about having an
identity of their ow
- Rejection of food, or
playing with it instead of eating it. This one can really press our
buttons because food, and what it represented in our childhood home
gets quickly activated and the dramas internally replaye
- Challenges to your
boundaries and lack of respect for you having them
- Tiredness, overwhelm and
too much responsibility. Your inner child needs their sleep, they
need to be nourished and replenished and then they'll be better able
to give out to others, to be calm and playful
- Feel ashamed – either
when your child makes a mistake or creates a scene in public, or if
they aren't as developmentally advanced as someone else's child.
When 'triggerered' like this you may find yourself becoming pre-occupied with your own inner child's feelings and unmet needs, and not focusing upon the present scenario and your child's developmental needs.
Don't feel bad about that if it
happens... your emotional (limbic) brain and memory banks have
temporarily been hijacked and you will need to remind yourself of
this and give yourself time to shift back to your 'here and now'
conscious awareness – and to keep yourself calm and compassionate
towards your child(ren
Other traits to look out for in
yourself
When you get to know your inner child better, you will more easily understand how and why you have been programmed or conditioned to behave as you do.
For example, you may now see why you've been so overly protective and anxious about any potential threats to the child. Deep down you've been fearing that your history will repeat itself on them.
You may notice how you've been passing
on your negative mindset (which was no doubt passed on to you –
because no baby is born with this) – of pessimism and seeing the
worst in people and situations. Your inner child has been doing this
as a way to avoid further feelings of disappointment and
discouragement.
If your moods have been erratic and
unpredictable then empathise with your child(ren) about how this
feels and what it does to their sense of safety, security and trust
in you and your reliability towards them. That's good enough reason
for you to get to the bottom of your moods – whether from physical
or psychological causes – and not to pass these on to your
child(ren).
Some parents may inadvertently (or
otherwise) neglect their child(ren)'s physical needs due to lack of
awareness and may expect the child to take care of themselves.
Same goes for emotional needs – which is likely to happen if there is a lack of emotional intelligence, balance and expression in the family. This can be hard to detect – it's tricky to notice all that you didn't get emotionally as a child, especially if you had material things instead of time and attention from your own parents.
We can only pass on what we have. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is vital for a child's development and successful future, and we MUST fix any deficit in EQ urgently – the first step is knowing what it is and the extent of the deficit and the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman will help you with this.
There are parents with a wounded inner
child who then expect their actual child or children to become like a
parent to them, and to take care of them - instead of the child being
allowed to enjoy their own childhood. (Admittedly there are sometimes
circumstances where a child has become the primary carer for a sick
adult – but in the developed world there are social care agencies
who can intervene and ensure that the child does actually have the
childhood they need and deserve to have in order to be able to thrive
themselves as adults later in their life.)
If you have noticed a pattern of
choosing unstable partners and dysfunctional relationships, then
please become very aware of what you are modelling to your
child(ren). Instead, do your very best (with professional help if
needed) to understand and change that pattern and to get off the road
that leads to nowhere but drama and distress.
If you have disordered eating, lack of
self care, excess drinking, gambling, or even self-harm you are also
passing a powerfully negative message on to your child. No need for
self-blame or guilt. Just commit to changing this – for your child
and inner child's sakes.
Similarly, be aware if your own
emotional wounds cause you to attempt to numb yourself to further
actual or potential emotional pain - by overspending on clothes, and
accessories. Guard against the need to spend energy (in the form of
money) to overly enhance your outer appearance – and/or that of
your child – to somehow 'prove' your worth and to overcompensate
for deeper feelings of inferiority and not being 'good enough' as you
are. (That will be one of the lies you've come to believe... it's not
the 'truth').
Perhaps you've been belittling yourself as a parent, with more lies such as – 'I'm rubbish as a mother...I can't cope with the responsibilities of being a father...My kids hate me...'
When you read that back it becomes clear that it's the inner child voice of overwhelm, and not the voice of the competent adult that you are – the adult who has been meeting and dealing with challenges for many years with overall success to get you to where you are now in life. We are all a work in progress, sometimes we take a back step or two, and then we commit to get moving forwards again at our own pace.
The most worrying facet of a 'wounded
inner child as a parent' is when they repeat parental violence.
You too may call it 'discipline for your own good' and try to justify abuse with the lie that 'it never did me any harm'. Hurting children is always harmful.
You may find yourself sounding and
acting like your own parent – even though you promised yourself,
and perhaps your child(ren), that you wouldn't do so. If you hear
yourself shouting, belittling or verbally squashing your child take
that as a red flag to heal your own inner child's painful wounds.
A traumatised and abused inner child
may implode and get sick when they can't cope. Or they may explode,
have a short fuse and be likely to lash out without thinking.
The emotional brain has been hijacked
by the 'wound' and it's then very difficult to be calm and rational.
When you know your pattern you can be prepared for it and have a plan
in place to avoid the implosion or explosion and replace that with
'time-out' and self soothing instead.
Deep slow breathing is a great starting point and emotional leveller which then allows us to get into our 'thinking brain' (the neo-cortex) and take care of the situation for all concerned.
There really is no need to play out the
role of the victim or bully – and no need to repeat the old
dramas and dynamics.
I go into more depth and show you how
to cope with these triggers and behaviours in my online course How To
Sort Out Your Children – without child therapy!' (see below)
What can we do to get our inner child out of the family nest?
There's no need to kick them out – in fact that's the last thing you should do!
Much better to make plenty of room for them – so that they don't demand all the room, and try to nudge anyone else out of the way.
Welcome them and make them feel 'at home' with you...you are the only person who will never leave them so make yourself a promise to keep a watchful eye on your inner child and do your best to make them happy and to feel at peace with you.
It is very helpful to become one step
removed from the emotional pull of the past. To look at the events of
our past through the wise and loving eyes of the adult we now are.
It's vital that we show ourselves the patience, time, support and
care that we need to heal our emotional wounds.
Think of it as you becoming your own
'inner parent' – and 'reparenting yourself' to make up for what was
missing from your childhood. That's not about overcompensating or
over-indulging yourself – that would be more of an emotional
'medication' than the actions of a good and guiding parent.
You need to create a secure emotional
attachment not only between you and your child(ren) but between you
and your inner child too.
How can we heal our inner child's emotional wounds?
- First of all we must become aware of our inner child, and their pain and struggle to feel happy and loved. Their silent voice has been one of longing and yearning. They have been hoping and searching for a safe place to belong.
- Be prepared for your inner
child to also show you their more rebellious and manipulative side
too! Not all wounds show themselves as compliant people-pleasing and
self-denigration
- Notice your inner dialogue
between the child you once were and the adult you have become.
Observe the conflicting ideas and advice. Hear the two voices...the
inner parent and the inner child. Is the inner parent a bully who
squashes the vitality out of the child? We must instead learn to
change that dynamic and to listen and respond to our inner child
with kindness and compassion
- Compare how you talk to
yourself with how you talk to a best friend(See a link here to an article about Becoming Your Own BFF)...will you ignore them? Will
you reject their call for help? Will you be rude to them? Will you
criticise or ridicule them? NO – of course not
- Yet how often do you do
this to your inner child – that part of the psyche that is a
necessary part of you, the part that was has been wounded and now
needs you to help it to heal
- Make a decision to change your relationship with your inner child from today – so that they can become 'adopted' by you. (I have written an article about this here too)
- Realise that you have
developed a set of beliefs that aren't valid or fair to you – and
that's not your fault. It's just a bad habit you've got into over
the year
- Those old beliefs trip you
up nowadays and make you think, feel, speak and behave in ways that
might have served you as a child, and in some way helped you to
survive back then. But they don't serve you well now as an adult and
as a parent
- Accept that your reality
is valid – even if it's different from your sibling's reality and
experiences in your shared childhood home
- Realise that as an adult
you do now have power and purpose. When used wisely this will help
to empower your children to have a more successful lif
- You may have developed
'core beliefs' of being unworthy, the victim, being powerless,
unlovable, hopeless, helpless and somehow 'lost' in life. These are
outdated inner messages in need of revision and a thorough updat
- You are the creator of
your life each day. What you choose to create has a massive impact
on your children. Take time away from them to feel your old pain and
let any tears flow...and then shift your energy into that of parent
again and be freshly available to your chil
- Allow yourself to be free
and playful, maybe with dancing and creative pastimes. Don't become
too loose or too rigid. Encourage your inner child to step out of
the shadows and to enjoy the brightness that they are now free to
radiat
- Promise your inner child
that you will never leave them and will always keep in regular
contact. They are very welcome in your new nest and will always have
a place there with you – even when your own children have grown up
and 'flown the nest
There are six important steps to take along the way to creating a better life for you and your child(ren).
Don't passively accept the life that was handed down to you by parents who didn't know any better. Take back control and responsibility - and S.E.L.E.C.T. Your Life © from now on
These six steps form the acronym S.E.L.E.C.T and they are:-
Self-Awareness
Education
Learning new skills
Emotional intelligence and balance
Control, Clarity & Choice
Transformation – into a parent who offers OPTI-MUM PARENTING ©
(see below a link to my website to
find out more about OPTI-MUM PARETING – in my FREE resources; and S.E.L.E.C.T. Your Life(c))
“The more we heal ourselves, the less our children will have to heal themselves.” (Michael Brown in 'The Presence Process)
“No one had a 'perfect childhood' and some of us had a more challenging experience than others.
Yet even those with overwhelmingly difficult past experiences can come to resolve those issues and have meaningful and rewarding relationships with their children.
Research has shown the exciting finding that
parents who themselves did not have 'good enough parents' or even who
had traumatic childhoods can make sense of their lives and have
healthy relationships. More important for our children than merely
what happened to us in the past is the way we have come to process
and understand it. The opportunity to change and grow continues to be
available throughout our lives.” (Dr
Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell 2004)
Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy) MIND HEALER & MENTOR
www.maxineharley.com where you'll find a page of FREE RESOURCES to help you on your journey to re-parenting your inner child and thereby becoming a more emotionally available parent to your children.
You'll also find a valuable, yet inexpensive, online courses called:-
'3 Steps To Sort Yourself Out – without therapy!' and...
'How To Sort Out Your Children – without child therapy!' © which focuses upon the parent's need for 'Care & Repair From The Inside Out'(c)
www.maxineharleymentoring.com - helping women to understand and manage their emotions, boundaries and behaviours... to FEEL better, so they can BE, DO and HAVE better in their lives
www.the-ripple-effect.co.uk - a series of 10 online self-help workshops to help you with different aspects of your life
www.qpp.uk.com - changing the sub-conscious belief system or S.C.R.I.P.T. (c) Sub-Conscious-Rules-Influencing-Present-Time
3 Comments
Fantastic, accurate, insightful article Maxine. Thank you!
This article was amazing! I loved it! God sent it to me,I'm sure of it.I have been working on my self a lot and I understand much more now. Thank You writer!
Very kind of you to say so Carla. I'm so pleased that you liked the article and that it resonated with you. Maxine X