Letting People Go
Feeling ready to move on with your life? Me too. I'm going to share with you some insights on who to focus on
I’m going to tell you a secret. (Well you and the whole internet). My moral compass hasn’t always been very moral. Sometimes in life when someone does something bad to you, it’s easy to think well hey! I got treated badly so it makes no difference if I behave badly. I mean there aren’t any good people out there so what’s the point of me being nice?
Once I started to change my life, I couldn’t stop and this is something that everyone needs to understand. You want to lose some weight? Great do it. You want to make a million pounds? Go you. These are all good things to aspire to but change is about growth and growth doesn’t stop because you achieved one thing. Lose the weight and sure enough you’ll find something else to “fix”. But make changes which align to your core values and life starts to look a whole lot different.
A few years ago I started to focus on my values and listen to them. It’s quite an easy thing to do if you can find some quiet time. Get a piece of paper and sit down and think about 5 qualities that you wish all the people in your life would have. (Then I am certain you’ll realise that these are also the 5 qualities that you also wish for yourself to have). Or in other words treat people how you would like them to treat you and what does that look like? Hey go nuts why not find 10 if you wish.
I’d like to start here with a quote from Alan Sugar (bear with me it’s worth it..)
“I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullshitters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like arse-lickers.”
This catapulted him in my eyes from someone I loved to hate to someone I could respect. He knows what he likes and isn’t afraid to tell it! (He’s right on all counts by the way).
- Honesty for me is number one. I’ve almost crafted an entire career out of being (somewhat brutally) honest and I cannot abide liars.
- Faithfulness has a strong link to honesty. I do not understand the logic of saying you are going to be faithful to someone and then not doing it (this is true in friendship as well). Anything less is coward behavior.
- Trustworthy, trust is a difficult thing and in an ideal world I would like to trust everyone but sometimes people make it hard! (Your gut knows when someone is dodgy).
- Openness - being open and sharing emotions requires buckets of security, bravery, love. Combined with no fear of ridicule or rejection. Open communicators know themselves and they are authentic.
- Kindness, kindness for me is up there twinned with loving (both kind to yourself and others). If you meet someone and you see them being unkind to anyone or anything, run for the hills. (A classic is someone who is rude to waiters, it’s often a good indicator that they expect people to serve them).
Values are different to goals. You can be with by people who have different aims in life to yours. But if you surround yourself with people who are constantly aggravating your core values you can expect a whole world of unhappiness.
I also started to respect myself. Which is hard I know but you have to draw a line under the past. It is gone and you cannot change it. You can but make peace with it and move on, starting today you can become the person you want to be.
All of which brings me to the point. You only get one life and it is fragile. Ask yourself the truth. Would you like to live a happy and fulfilled life surrounded by love, compassion, laughter and happiness? Sit back on your death bed and think “I had a great life and I wouldn’t swap it”? Well it is possible but you have to make it so.
Anyway the REAL point, there are roughly 7.5 billion people on this earth. So no doubt plenty of people who could give you what you want and make you happy? Which is no darn good to anyone if you don’t know what you want AND you don’t love yourself AND you’re stuck in old patterns. Start looking after yourself it’s not up to someone else to do it for you. There are no magic pills and quick fixes. Your health, happiness and well being are investments which you have to make and you alone.
Once you start to love yourself and live your values you will find an awkward thing happens. Those negative friends - the ones who are always self-absorbed, having a drama, borrowing money off you or b*tching about you behind your back. That boyfriend who is always off doing something “vague”. That boss who speaks to you like you are a doormat. Those people start to become less interesting. In fact you don’t want to see them at all. This is fine, remember to handle yourself with grace and kindness. You can leave them to deal with their own poor life choices and lack of growth. Because those are their own opinions, they don’t get to decide who you are and what you really believe in.
New people will come into your life if you practice being open. Learn to trust your gut instinct again. For years I would talk over what my gut said and come up with all sorts of excuses to do what I wanted and not what I felt. This is like a muscle and the more you do it the clearer things become but you have to be brave. New people WILL come. I know being alone is scary but it’s up to you to find your tribe. Sitting at home crying and eating pizza isn’t going to do it. (that’s me today… but more on this in a second).
Then when you do let someone go, no matter how afraid you were. Often something magical happens. You actually start to feel free. You pat yourself on the back for being courageous. You find more strength than you ever thought you had. Your self-respect returns. You are not alone. (If you are not careful this becomes addictive and before you know it you’ve started throwing out the rubbish all over the place!).
There is no shame in being single, there is no shame in divorce, there is definitely no shame in having a few chosen close friends. Shame is something you create in your own mind.
We're often told that "life isn't like the movies, relationships are hard and they require work!" but you know in your gut if it feels like you are doing too much work and it isn't being reciprocated.
So yes, I am going through a break up right now and my heart is absolutely broken. I’m going to write more on how to survive a heart break, but for today just know it is normal to grieve. This is true for all relationships and friendships. Give yourself a break. We are designed as humans to cope with loss and this moment and these feelings will pass. But letting go of people who don’t align with your values or those who bring you down and use you or bully you? Letting go of them is a whole lot easier once you see it in the bigger picture of your future happy life.
Find your courage, there is a whole world waiting for you. Dav x