St Valentine's Day is coming - and with
it the copious adverts prodding and guilt-tripping us into buying our
'tokens of affection' to proudly display our 'happy couple' status.
For some people it's all just a harsh reminder of lost or unrequited love, or of being without a partner and feeling unloved – and having to endure the chronic ache of loneliness.
We can all feel lonely, even amongst a crowd. Or if we're in a relationship with someone who isn't on our 'wavelength'.
We can feel lonely when we don't have deeper emotionally intimate connections, or when we feel misunderstood, de-valued and unwanted. We feel particularly lonely when we are rejected, abandoned, ostracised, oppressed or bullied.
Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely
Some people prefer to be alone, and chose not to be in a relationship – and they publicly share their happily single status.
Some are alone because of fear. They fear commitment or emotional intimacy - and the pain this triggers from their past. They might still be healing from an abusive relationship and they fear history repeating itself in a new relationship, and bringing them more trauma and upset.
It can also feel easier to actively avoid getting emotionally close to someone, than to risk the pain of losing that person's care, attention and love.
There are other ways in which we avoid forming close relationships. For example by keeping ourselves overly busy and unavailable. Or by keeping our relationships 'light', uncommitted and vague - so as to maintain a sense of freedom and not feel trapped or constrained.
If we 'play safe' like this we might then deny ourselves the joy of feeling deeply loved and valued by someone special.
What pattern have you set up for your own relationships?
This will stem from the early emotional attachment style formed in your childhood, and your subsequent beliefs about getting close to people, how vulnerable you felt, and how painful the consequences were.
Patterns can be changed when we become aware of them
If you do decide to venture into Relationship Land this February, then at least be sure that your motivation and desire doesn't stem from feelings of desperation. Otherwise you could end up settling for whoever you can find – without assessing your compatibility - and the likelihood is that you'll then feel more painfully lonely than you ever did before.
The most important relationship of your life is the one you have with yourself – and your inner child
So first things first, become your inner child's loving parent, best friend and playmate. Enjoy being you, loving you, compassionately caring for you, and you'll attract more of the same into your life – no matter what day or month of the year it is!
Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy) MIND HEALER & MENTOR
You'll also find an online guide/course called 'HOW TO SORT OUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP' – without couples counselling! (Click on the link to find out more) It's £37 – or only £27 is you use the discount code TENOFF at the checkout
www.maxineharleymentoring.com - Helping women to understand and manage their emotions, boundaries and behaviours, and to stop the past from interfering in their present and future home and working lives. Helping them to FEEL better so they can BE, DO and HAVE better!
www.the-ripple-effect.co.uk - Ten online self-help workshops (only £27 each) – helping you to help yourself with Psycho-Emotional-Education. The ten online workshops are entitled:-
**** 'Understanding Relationships'
'How To Be Happier'
'How To Be More Confident'
'How To Calm Down & Think Straight'
'How To Balance Your Mind Body & Weight'
'How To De-Stress Your Life'
www.qpp.uk.com - The 'new paradigm in therapy' which reveals, reviews and revises the sub-conscious beliefs which have been getting in the way of your happiness and well-being.
You can change your life in 24 hours when you change your S.C.R.I.PT. (c) Sub-Conscious-Rules-Influencing-Present-Time