He hasn't said he loves me yet. Should I stay or should I go?

This week I got the following question .....

Like Comment

Q: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and he still hasn’t told me he loves me. What do I do? I’m not sure if I should be the one to say it first. I feel like at this point he’ll just be saying it because he thinks he has to. Not because he actually does. I’ve thought about breaking up with him but I can’t bring myself to do that either. Is there some way I can let him know I’m not willing to wait forever?

A: Firstly you are not alone on this one, so don’t despair.

12 months is a long time to be dating someone for some and not so long for others. When you’re under 25, 12 months is still regarded as very early days, especially by guys as they like to take their time and enjoy the dating journey. It’s when we get past 30, that 12 months seems like you’ve given a real investment of your time and therefore you want acknowledgement that the relationship really is going somewhere.

Women are very emotional beings and we tend to fall in love between our ears and that’s why hearing words of affirmation, such as I LOVE YOU is a reinforcement of how he feels about you. You have to remember though, that men are very practical creatures and so he might have already shown his levels of affection for you, but in his own love language, which is possibly by doing things for you that he wouldn’t ordinarily do for others.

For example, men don’t tend to use the phone lots, but they do make exceptions to hold long conversation or text dialogues when they really like someone. So, this can be seen as he’s really in to you. Further along down the relationship journey, he might be making thoughtful gestures like stocking the fridge with things he knows you will like for when you are at his place. Book your favorite restaurant; cook your favorite meal etc. Or he might do things for you where he puts himself out more, all because he really likes you. He might give you quality time, which us ladies tend to feel, is the norm, but for him he’s giving you his ‘me time’, to create ‘us time’. He might be someone who buys gift to show affection instead or he could be a very tactile creature and therefore he’s very touchy feely with you.

So, why am I telling all this? The reason is, that we all have our own love language and possibly yours is affirmation. Maybe you like to give and receive acknowledgement, but your partner might fall in to one of the above categories and shows his levels of interest in a slightly different way. Therefore, you can’t just write him off as someone who doesn’t love you, just because he’s not communicating with you in a style that you are most familiar with. I would suggest taking a step back and thinking whether he shows you care and affection in another way first.

If you really feel the need to hear what he’s thinking, then remember that men aren’t naturally gushy creatures and just like women, they don’t want to step in to that vulnerable space and put their heart on the line where it could get crushed. Therefore, you might well need to create a safe space where he can be open with you about his feelings and that means you will need to initiate a conversation in a natural way. Don’t start with we need to talk, I need to speak with you about something, or I’ve been wanting to say something for a while now as this immediately sounds negative and that a bomb is about to be dropped as the natural reaction will be to listen defensively.

You can have a non-confrontational chat that’s dropped in amongst free flowing conversation, something along the lines of… (insert name here) I can’t believe we’ve been together for 12 months now, the time has just flown by and I love every minute that we get to spend together. The more I know you, the more I find myself falling for you and I just want to thank you for being the most kind, caring, considerate (or use whichever descriptive words best suit him) boyfriend. See how this works in terms of showing open emotions towards him and whether he responds in kind.

If you want to say that you love him, because that’s how you feel deep down inside then say it , but don’t expect to hear it in return. If that’s how he’s feeling too, then he will say it when he’s ready. If it’s immediate reciprocation, you will know from his tone and body language whether it’s being said with sincerity.

My parting advice is to give him space where he’s not being judged or backed in to a corner to share his feelings with you. You might just be surprised at the end result.

If you’re still feeling uneasy even after being open with him, then we can have a chat and I can let you know for certain whether he’s really in to you by asking you specific questions.

If this scenario resonates with you, or you are finding yourself questioning whether to stay or go in a relationship, a quick chat with me could be all you need to give you clarity and peace of mind you're looking for. Please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Alternatively, perhaps you have a question which you would like answering? Please do contact me and I shall answer your question, making sure that you, like my other readers remain anonymous!

I'm here to help!

To your dating success,



Suzie Parkus

Dating coach / Talk show host, Meet Your Match

www.meetyourmatch.club was born after realising that despite guests attending my events, people were struggling with the core fundamentals. Such as: where to meet and attract the right people, what constitutes a good match, creating and maintaining momentum, good conversation skills, body language and being self aware. The list goes on... Suzie has an affinity bringing out the best in everyone. Her appreciation for the wellbeing of others is at the core of helping her clients find their soul mate. She is so committed to the success of her clients, that she offers them access to a variety of services to suit their needs: 1-on-1 coaching, group workshops and talks. These are just some of the tools used to help her clients realise what they truly desire within a relationship. Suzie has always been a hopeless romantic and feels that we all deserve love; some of us just need a gentle nudge in the right direction. With a background in dating coaching, matchmaking and running a very successful singles events business, Meet Your Match’s Director Suzie Parkus, has years of experience working with and helping busy people just like to you, to meet and connect with other like-minded individuals. My mantra? Your dating journey should be fun and exciting, it should be an adventure that you want to embrace and I can show you how it can be both exciting and fulfilling. My mission as an award Nominated dating coach, match maker, radio expert and talk show host, is to help you understand that dating isn't as complicated as everyone makes out. Put simply, you have have most of the ingredients, you're just missing the recipe and possibly a few of the finishing touches. I look forward to sharing my content with you. Suzie X


Go to the profile of Flower
over 5 years ago
My partner(ish) was the same when we were first together 10 years ago. We'd been together for 8 months, I told him I loved him after 2 but got nothing back. Eventually, I asked him how he felt. He said he was fond of me. That was a red light and after a few weeks of soul searching, I ended our relationship.
He stayed away for a few weeks then JUST as I was about to start dating again, he reappeared and bared his soul, culminating in a declaration of love. Which sounds like success. Except it wasn't really because what was really going on was a huge committment issue. So although we're still together, marriage, living together, having a real sharing of our life has never happened (my fault - I should have ended it).
So. Beware. Sometimes a rose, is a rose, is a rose.
Go to the profile of Emma Meaney
over 5 years ago
Thank you for your comment and the article, both really helped Xx
Go to the profile of Mindy
over 5 years ago
I have been dating a wonderful man for just shy of two years. He has yet to say the words "I love you." I told him I loved him 6 months into the relationship, I didn't expect a response at that time. However two years is quite a long time to go without the affirmation of the endearing "L" word. I regularly tell him how I feel along with saying "I love you" before the end of every conversation over the phone. We have spoken on the topic many times (especially recently). Each time the discussion is started, it seems to go in a circular pattern; where I speak my feelings and he does not. His response is that he wants to be sure of his love for me before he "throws THE word around." He directly acknowledges that he does not doubt my love. He seems to firmly believe that 2 years isn't enough time to "know for sure." I'm to my breaking point. This man could be absent a ring, financial stability, and his stunning physical features and I would still say yes to a proposal. He is my best friend wrapped in a handsom, caring, masculine package. There is no one else on this planet that I would prefer to spend every minute of everyday with. Words do not even need to be present for him to make me smile. Yet, here I am. I am trapped in this cycle of questioning myself and our relationship. I could not imagine life without him, yet I also cannot imagine loving him while he does not love me for another day. Everyday I make a choice to enjoy what we have, instead of breaking down to tears. It truly hurts that he does not speak the words. He is a different person, who lacks the ability to translate his feelings towards me into words.
This one thing. Could it be that powerful to end what I see to be so perfect otherwise?
I struggle with the lack of the "L" word daily.
I cannot make him say it, so aside from backing off and holding my tongue, I am truly at a loss.
I cannot hold out much longer. I do not wish to push him away with my NEED for the affirming
3 words I so desperately crave.
Go to the profile of Carolyn Doss
over 3 years ago

mindy, I could have written this same letter.  Just curious.  Have things changed for you? Did you ever get the L word?

My boyfriend has been burned in two marriages.  He told me 9 months wasn't long enough to really know someone.  He blames not saying the L word on the fact that he has been burned and has trouble trusting.  Otherwise, he treats me like gold and is very attentive.  We have a great relationship.  He drives over an hour to see me a couple of times a week.  What gets me is that he has planned to purchase a home near me here in Texas.  He admits that he wants us to "build a life together."  He has met my family and I have met his.  It has been almost 18 months.  I want so badly to hear the words.  I've thought of giving him an ultimatum, but he is stubborn and prideful, so I'm afraid I might lose him.  

Any word of encouragement?

Go to the profile of Cindy Villatoro
almost 2 years ago

this is an old post, I understand. But would love an update on your situation as it seems I’m in the same predicament with man I love and been with for a year. 

Go to the profile of Lindsey Williams
over 4 years ago
I've been dating my friend for about nine months. I'm 34 and he's 29. We have known each other for a least 5 years although the first two, I was in a bad emotionally abusive relationship. After my ex and I broke up, he was just someone I considered as a friend up until last year. I was aware of his feelings for me but at the time I was not into him. I considered him a friend and that was it. Then I don't know I just started developing feelings for him. I guess I just thought our relationship would take off but lately I feel like he isn't as interested. I've addressed it and he said he thought we were fine. I even confessed my love today and instead of saying it back he makes a joke out of my memes that was attached to text... I read your response to the young lady in a similar situation. Now I'm wondering should I let go while I can or not.
Go to the profile of Tracy Blair
over 4 years ago
I am at a loss for what I am feeling. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I love him dearly. Back in January I told him I was in love with him and wanted to know how he felt and what he wanted or where he seen this relationship going and he told me he needed to think about it. They returned with a I don't know but I know that I don't love you. So I walked away broken hearted a few weeks later he was calling and asking me to come over so we started spending a lot of time together and planning for the future.however I love that man with everything in me but I'm not sure if he feels the same or if us being together is just easier then being a lone for him. We ate looking at getting a house together but I'm not sure if we should if he can't or don't love me. I tell him I love him daily without a reply verbally but he does things for me that make me feel loved so I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions ?
Go to the profile of Jennifer Morrison
about 4 years ago

This speaks to me so much.  Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months.  We have made each other happy I've been told many times that I have brought fun back into his life and that he cares for me deeply.  Yesterday he sat me down and we had a really hard rel conversation.  He told me that he feels like by the 10 month mark he should have the feeling of love for me but he doesn't. We have had several conversations about the L word in the past and he's told me that he doesn't know what being in love means anymore.  He has recently ended a 12 year relationship 6 months before we got together.   In my opinion he does love me he shows me everyday I think he's very confused as to what love is,I think he's waiting on some magical feeling to sweep over him... I don't know I might be naive and it might be wishful thinking..... I'm just not ready to give up on him yet.... He told me last night he's not ready to just let this relationship go.    But how long is too long?   Is there such a thing when your with a person who makes you so incredibly happy and fits you in every way?????????

Go to the profile of Patrycja W
about 4 years ago

Crazy, I am literally in the same situation right now...

Go to the profile of nadiaoffscreen
almost 4 years ago

Me too! WTF wrong with guys these day and the saddest part is I can't break up with him....

Go to the profile of Amy Pebbles
almost 4 years ago

This is pretty much my issue word-for-word except me and my boyfriend broke up thanks to him not knowing if he loved me or what he wanted from a relationship. He began to look for things that were wrong to explain why he wasn’t feeling that feeling you get with your first love, except he couldn’t find anything. He hasn’t spoken to me for 2 weeks now and all I can hope is that he’ll see sense with time. 

We had an amazing relationship, made each other happy and I could tell he loved me. I just wish he could’ve seen that too! 

Go to the profile of Patrycja W
about 4 years ago

Help! I am with my boyfriend for officially a year (1 and 4 months since we started dating). I told him ages ago (about after 7months of being together) that I loved him, but never heard anything back. It didn't really bother me, as he's such a good person, cares about be, supports me. But at one pointed it got stuck in my head so much I had to speak to him. Unfortunately, he's absolutely terrible when it comes to expressing his emotions. He avoided the subject for a long time. Once, we got a chance to discuss it, he said he's not sure what he's feeling right now. Also said, he wants to be with me and cares about me. He also 'compared' our relationship to his ex ones and said when he looks at it now, he never really was in love. So, that's why he doesn't really know what he's feeling. I am currently staying at his for 3 months, we get on together so well and these words are stuck in my head and I feel like they will never go away, and staying here makes me feel such big pressure. I thought it was fine with me if he's not ready yet, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I don't wanna make fool of myself. It's all so confusing, like his actions say he loves me but he's not able to say it. As much as I wanna be with him, do I really can handle it?

Go to the profile of nadiaoffscreen
almost 4 years ago

Girl SAME. It's so confusing because they say "Don't believe his words, believe his action." This guy i'm dating shoes me he loves me by his actions and I can feel it! But ha said he doesn't love me and it has been over eight months, if he feels, he knows. That broke me cause I still here, believing his action but his words said no? He had been in bad relationships before and got his new definition of love that seems complicated and wrong to me. I feel like he already loves me but he thinks he doesn't

Go to the profile of Lauren Panepinto
almost 4 years ago

Hi Guys....Email Dr_Mack@yahoo. com for relationship problems, He is the best to work with and can bring back your Ex-Lover in 48 hours

Go to the profile of Rohr Jeff
over 3 years ago

This is a must read testimony by everyone, I am here to let the whole world know about a man that saved my relationship and this great man is called Dr Eziza. Indeed he did a great job for me by bringing back my ex lover who left me and promise never to return back to me again. With this i have come to realize that given out Dr Eziza details to the world will do a lot of good to those having a broken home or relationship for him to help you fix up that broken relationship or marriage of yours.You can reach him through his email address ezizaoguntemple@gmail.com or whatsapp +2348058176289

Go to the profile of Rohr Jeff
over 3 years ago

This is a must read testimony by everyone, I am here to let the whole world know about a man that saved my relationship and this great man is called Dr Eziza. Indeed he did a great job for me by bringing back my ex lover who left me and promise never to return back to me again. With this i have come to realize that given out Dr Eziza details to the world will do a lot of good to those having a broken home or relationship for him to help you fix up that broken relationship or marriage of yours.You can reach him through his email address ezizaoguntemple@gmail.com or whatsapp +2348058176289.............

Go to the profile of Michelle Gasca
over 3 years ago

I've been dating my wonderful boyfriend for 9 months now!  We are in our early  50's . We get along so good, have yet to have a real fight or argument!  I am 100% in love with him and he has not  told me he loves me,  but says he's very happy ! 

In my head if he hasn't said it by now, he's not going to!  And that makes me sad!  He said in the past he's moved to quickly and things didn't work out!  We are not getting any younger and don't want to wait around and him never be able to tell me he loves  me!  HELP 

Go to the profile of Enaea Smith
about 3 years ago

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. I've told him that I love him, but he has not said it back. He definitely takes his time when it comes to our relationship, but I know when we first started dating he said he feels like it would take 6 months for him to fall in love. We've done 6 months twice now.....

I know in a previous relationship he said that him and that person used to say I love you often, but learned that she didn't mean it as much as him. So he's cautious I get it. 

Also we're long distance, because I'm in school 2 hours away, but we talk on the phone every day for at least an hour maybe two and we see each other once a month, sometimes more.

I'm just not sure why he's not at that point yet. He definitely spoils me all the time by buying me snacks I like, getting me gifts, helping me when I'm in a crunch. So I know he cares he just hasn't said I love you yet and I'm confused.

Go to the profile of Cayla Marcinko
over 2 years ago

My boyfriend and I started dating officially in December 2017. We hit it off, said I love you probably way too early on, but then broke up during the summer because of frequent fights (I’m an over thinker/get jealous easily). I was heart broken. We didn’t speak that summer until we got back to college. One of the first nights back we spoke and immediately hit it off again. That was September 2018. We get along so well and we both enjoy every second we spend together. He always tells me he has the most fun with me and I’m his “main squeeze”, he is so caring and affectionate towards me, but he still has yet to say I love you again and it has been 7 months. We are still young (21 years old) and he likes to take things really slow and is not very serious, could this be why? He has even said he thinks saying those three words would make the relationship very serious again and he’s not sure he’s ready for that just yet. Is it because of our break up before? The lack of these three words has been killing me, but he has said he thinks we can get there and said earlier on he knows we can. I’m mostly okay just because of how great we are together. Does anyone have any advice? 

Go to the profile of Kylie S Burton
almost 2 years ago

I've been with my partner for over a year, it will be 2 in july,i have been very open with him,i even asked him as to why he hasn't said it,i found myself getting excuses, he doesn't feel we at that level, he doesn't like the word & so on,even our intimacy has become less I'm unsure as to whether it is because he is depressioned because he's mother is sick,he's not a very open book,he pretends every think is ok,the when we have disagrees he's emotions that he botgles up gets released also back at me,he is 25 & still lives at home he has a job,one that he is happy with,he's sleeping pattern is all over the shop as all he's hours are all over the shop at work & he stays upstreaming all night, he needs melatonin tablets,he agreed then kept leaving it & it caused us to fight, thing's really need to change he says he we will get through this together however it's been months we have been trying to fix intimacy, my closeness to him as in connection is fading, i don't want to leave however i can't keep putting up with  this i have needs. 

Go to the profile of Tammy Lee
over 1 year ago

Hi there. I was really hoping you ladies could help me decide if I should stay or leave my 16mth relationship. My boyfriend is without a doubt "emotionally unavailable". Textbook..but he won't admit it. Regardless, I knew that he had a huge wall up &  didn't trust Women easily. I continued with the relationship because I truly believed & felt loved by him & just told myself he was terrified of being hurt. I am 47yrs old & he is 42 & we both have been married. In both of our marriages our partners were unfaithful. I told him many times & showed him in many ways that I love him, I want only him & want a future with him. We have spent almost every day & every night together since last Summer up until I stopped going over so much last month. He introduced me to his kids (they are both under 16). I spend the night with them there. I go with him & the kids to spend wknds at his families out of town & we share the same bed when we are there. Yet he still won't tell me how he feels about me, he says that he is confused about his feelings for me & has said that he lost his chance at having a family when his marriage ended...this 4 years ago. I told him that I want all or nothing & I want to know what I am to him. That was 4 days ago & I haven't heard from him since. I Love this man with all my heart...from day one I felt a connection with him that I have never felt before & I feel the same thing from him. He wants me with him all the time...but I need to hear that I'm loved, wanted & he wants me?  I have no idea what to do...I truly believe that this man loves me but his past hurt & too much pride with let me walk away?  Is he worth it?

Go to the profile of Cheryl Latham
about 1 year ago

My boyfriend has not said I love you it's been over a year we broke up a few times but I told him I loved him more than once and no response back I asked him why and he said he was trying to sometimes after we have sex like get mad inside and cry to myself and I know he knows he tells me he cares about me more than I know and is never cared about anybody else like that  we don't live together and put most of the time  I'm at his place but it's turned into a few arguments because I have an attitude and he wonders why and I'm starting to have nightmares  and waking up and mad at him  trying to hit him I don't remember some of them but I have said fuck you to him what should I do kind of embarrassed am I crazy  do I have a demon in me

Go to the profile of Elizabeth
11 months ago

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now, he his no the expressive type. I celebrated his birthday and on that evening he asked why I loved and all and I told him why. He said I am beautiful, smart, hardworking and I have so many options. I said yes I know but I choose you. He then said he his not ready for marriage and he doesn’t yet know where he his going. I told him that while we are dating, if I meet anyone serious and ready for a long term relationship, I will be with that person. He didn’t take that well. We are still dating but at the same time I still on the look out for someone that is ready for a long term relationship. We are still dating, he his nice and helps with stuff but he his not the type to give compliments, say nice things, or even I love you. The first time I said I love you, he said “I love you half and a half”. Anytime I talk about future plans with him or marriage he tries to end the conversation or says let me call you back. I have explained to him what I want and expressed my feelings but he his still not going to change. I broke up with him once, he said he his not accepting the break up and I should relax. He doesn’t do things like, he wouldn’t want to plan a trip together, he doesn’t like talking about future plans or marriage, no compliments or sweet words. Sometimes he  communicates often and some times not often. Anytime I ignore him, he sends messages and acts right. Do I always have to ignore him for him to do what he should be doing naturally? I  really don’t know what to do. I am just thinking of ending everything. What do you think?