How to get the life you want

I am often fascinated by how much easier some people find it to say what they don't want rather than what they do. So why is it important? When we are focussing on what we don't want, we are looking in the wrong direction. That's how we can end up living a very different life to the one we truly want. To get what you want, you need to flip your thoughts.

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Do you have the life you want?

If not…what do you think is the reason behind that?

When I ask this, many people answer with a list of life experiences and, to be honest, excuses. And I know that a number of years ago, I would have pretty much answered that way too. Something like…

Well, it’s because I didn’t have this or do that. And then this happened, which meant this and before I knew it I was here and it’s not where I want to be.

Sound familiar?

This week on my weekly live Facebook show, the Confidence Conversation, we discussed “How to get what you want“. (If you didn’t catch it live, that’s OK because you can watch the recording here)

To me, it is fascinating that so many people know what they don’t want but not what they do.
Without realising, this means that we are looking in the wrong direction.

For example, try reading the instruction “Don’t think about a pink elephant’.

What happened?

My guess is that the first thing that sprang to your mind was…yep, a pink elephant!

But that is the very thing you are supposed to NOT think about. See how your thoughts are taking you in the wrong direction.

After realising their mistake, most people will ‘try’ to think of something else… like changing the colour or thinking of a different animal.

But can you see the problem here? The brain has the think about the elephant first before it chooses something different because the brain can’t think about what it doesn’t want to think about without thinking about it first.

I’ll say that again.
The brain can’t think about what it doesn’t want to think about without thinking about it first.
So the pink elephant is still getting attention, albeit briefly.

Is this what you are doing with your life? Thinking about what you don’t want rather than what you do?

What if you gave all your attention to what you want?
What if you consciously choose to put your energy on that?
I wonder what could happen then?

As I say in the video there are people who truly don’t know what they want. That’s understandable.

If you fall into that camp then grab a pen and paper and first make a big, long list of all the things that you don’t want. It’s okay to start here as long as you remember to flip your thoughts afterwards. Once you have that list, go through each one and ask yourself what you do want instead.

For example, if I had been thinking that I don’t want to be in debt then the opposite of that could be that I want to have savings. Or maybe I was thinking I don’t want to be overweight, then the opposite of that could be that I want to make healthy choices or have a flexible body. Or I don’t want to be single, well OK, how about writing down that you want to be in a loving relationship.

To get the life that you want you have to clearly know what it is that you want.

Only then can you do the other steps – the final one of which is taking action!
All is explained here in the 37 mins video 

And if you need some additional inspiration to get you thinking about what you want, then you may want to watch this video :-) 


You can catch my live Facebook Show: The Confidence Conversation every Monday night at 7pm. To get the latest show information and updates, visit the website.

Jules Wyman

Confidence Coach ,

Hi, I'm Jules. I spent a decade as a professional hiding in the dark, backstage in various theatres and TV studios as a stage manager. It couldn't have been a more perfect metaphor for how I had lived the majority of my life. Keeping myself in the dark and as far out of the spotlight as possible! I lacked confidence and self belief in so many aspects of ME that I didn't want to 'be seen'. I hit rock bottom and thankfully discovered personal growth and more specifically coaching. Until that point I had thought it was just me that felt this way, lacked self belief and confidence. Now, I coach and teach the TRUTH about confidence helping others to stop pretending and start living with authentic confidence - none of the faking it stuff. There are layers and levels to uncovering authentic confidence, but if I can go from being a backstage bod to being on the BBC Breakfast TV sofa in 2014, well anyone can! What has interested me the most about past decade of discovery is just how many people let their lack of self confidence stop them from living life. Going for the things that they really want. Just how many people put their life on hold hoping that things will change and that their confidence will grow. It doesn't matter whether I have been working with a student looking to deliver a finals presentation or a CEO wanting to believe in themselves (yes they can lack confidence too) Or whether it is a parent looking to get back to work or someone looking for promotion. Confidence or rather the lack of it can manifest in multiple ways. Understanding its' complexities and simplicities is a thrill, both to learn and to share! Well for me :-) Please feel free to ask me questions, I'll happily answer them in a blog post, with holding names if required. Or maybe you'd like to suggest a specific area around confidence that you want to know more about. Do message me and let me know. And in the mean time I will share what I have learnt and the topics that come up with clients and delegates at talks and workshops! Enjoy and believe in yourself....your life depends on it! Jules