Is He Just Using Me For Sex?
In a healthy relationship we need to feel safe, supported, significant and special - and able to share our most vulnerable self, knowing that this will be welcomed and respected.
Q I met a guy online about five months ago. He lives quite far away from me, and works every day, and so we only see each other on a Friday night. He stays over and leaves really early the next day as he says he has to see his kids at the weekend.
He doesn’t answer my texts in between times until the night before to arrange to meet me, and we never speak on the ‘phone.
I’m feeling used. I’ve tried speaking with him about it but he just laughs it off and says ‘we’re OK’ and that I should stop ‘analyzing’ things.
I don’t feel OK. I feel lonely with him. I feel insignificant to him. I feel insecure that he might be two-timing me. I don’t know much more about him than what I saw in his online dating profile months ago!
He doesn’t seem interested in my life or getting to know ‘me’ on a deeper level, apart from making sure I’m not seeing anyone else (he questions me about that a lot when we do see each other).
I want a husband and a family but he avoids any conversations about the future and where this relationship might be going.
Do you think he’s just wasting my time and using me for sex?
A No one but he knows the answer to that – but what is clear is that he isn’t ‘involved’ in your relationship in a way that you want or need.
In a healthy relationship we need to feel safe, supported, significant and special – and you don’t.
In our teens the buzz of insecurity and game-playing was all part of the drama of growing up. But as adults we need a deeper level of communication and connection (unless we have difficulties with emotional attachment and emotional intelligence because we’ve been neglected as a child, and don’t then know how to have a deeper, more mutually rewarding relationship).
His questioning of your faithfulness might be an exposure of his fears of losing you – or it could be a projection of his own guilt at cheating which he’s passing over to you!
There can be few men who relish the ‘relationship conversation’ and having to declare their feelings and intentions to an anxious woman. However we all need to have ‘the cards on the table’ to ensure that we’re not wasting our time with someone who is commitment phobic or a game-player.
Ideally we should be voicing our feelings, preferences, wants and needs in an assertive - and not demanding or passive/victim - way.
We should at least know if someone wants the same type of future outcome as we do… and if they’re on a similar path to us.
You can’t build a house with plans drawn up by two completely different architects!
It’s reasonable and understandable that he would see his children at weekends (assuming this is true) – but you need to decide if this fits your plans for your own future.
If he doesn’t communicate with you at anything other than a superficial level then this should be a big ‘red-flag’ warning.
Either he can’t (due to underdeveloped emotional intelligence and expression – Alixythemia it’s called), or he can do this, but chooses not to with you.
Have you seen him be more emotionally expressive and open with other people you’ve met with as a couple (assuming you do this and don’t just stay in and have sex)?
It may be that he has an ‘avoidant’ style of attaching to other people – again stemming from his family background.
If so this can be hard to change and he may be better off with someone similar - and they can then both have an emotionally distant relationship. (In which case the distance of online ‘connections’ can be very appealing).
Without speaking with him I can only speculate – maybe he has unresolved trauma in his life – maybe he only knows about dysfunctional relationships from his family and friends. It’s anyone’s guess.
You could always ask him to read this blog post and give you his opinion!
The bottom line is that you are not feeling as you want to feel with your partner, and he seems resistant to sorting that out.
That leaves you two options… plod on with him, or walk away from him.
Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy) MIND HEALER & MENTOR
www.maxineharley.com - where you can find an inexpensive online self-help course called
www.maxineharleymentoring.com - helping women to understand and manage their emotions, boundaries and behaviours - to FEEL better, so they can BE, DO and HAVE better!