She loves me, she loves me not...
Write a list of the things you love about you, and the things you don’t love so much….
This post is late because my mind goes blank....I come back to it and it is still blank....
Sadly the don’t loves far outweigh the do loves today, as they did yesterday, the day before yesterday and well the day before that too. Clearly Im finding myself stuck in a bit of a rut. If I were to write a list of all the things that make me happy or grateful right now I would indeed be cracking open the fizz and clinking merrily like there’s no tomorrow. I have a lot to celebrate, so why the apparent blues? Essentially I have been asked out on a date but it’s with myself! And it’s all very awkward as I simply have nothing to say. I can imagine a person would wrap this up as a non starter and seek someone more shiny elsewhere. Well, I'm stuck with me, so the only thing for it is to scrub deeper, polish off and show some sparkle I thought. As I smiled at the small drawn heart at the top of the left hand page of my notebook I began to praise myself with all the love and recognition that my best friend would. But with every positive attempt to describe my attributes - compassionate, generous, diplomatic perhaps, I saw the words shifting onto the right hand side of the page without a backwards glance. With a sigh of resignation I asked myself if these are in fact weaknesses? Do they blind my judgement? Do they give me the flimsy notion that I may be an honest person or a good person? Do they stem from fear, or laziness? Having accidentally drifted onto the page of what I don’t love, words flowed from my pen like the tears of a lost child. Ive seen these words before, the self deprecation is boring and I didn’t need to see them again.
Back to the love page where my forefinger traced the lines of the small red heart my nieces face appeared in my mind. Im a good Auntie I wrote! Bold and strong this statement remained on the page with pride. Her birth brought in me a sense of responsibility that nothing had ever done before. She doesn’t care, isn’t aware of my worries and insecurities, asking only for time, care, playtimes and smiles. When I think of all the things I hope to help her become I realised that the best way to do this would be to show her. She brought out such a natural sense of duty and protectiveness that I have no choice but to show her how to love yourself. Her smile when you walk into the room is full of so much excitement, admiration and happiness that you feel like you must be the best person in the whole world when of course the wee lightbulb in her head is simply saying ‘playtime’ but il take that! Its contagious, and I find myself smiling widely, her expression mirrored on my face.
As winter looms Perhaps Im finding myself with a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) or my ability to cope with some of life’s difficulties this year has finally caught up with me. Whatever the reason Im determined it’s short lived . Famously spoken are the lines that you can’t be loved when you don’t love yourself. Luckily my friends and family have shown this to be far from true. And in spending time with them the things I love most about them are somewhat mirrored back at me.
Seeing yourself from the eyes of people who you love and admire is probably the best way to notice the good things about yourself. The people who I want to spend my time with are in turn seeking mine, they see something they love, so I guess I must be a bit of alright.