She loves me, she loves me not...

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Write a list of the things you love about you, and the things you don’t love so much….

This post is late because my mind goes blank....I come back to it and it is still blank....

Sadly the don’t loves far outweigh the do loves today, as they did yesterday, the day before yesterday and well the day before that too. Clearly Im finding myself stuck in a bit of a rut. If I were to write a list of all the things that make me happy or grateful right now I would indeed be cracking open the fizz and clinking merrily like there’s no tomorrow. I have a lot to celebrate, so why the apparent blues? Essentially I have been asked out on a date but it’s with myself! And it’s all very awkward as I simply have nothing to say. I can imagine a person would wrap this up as a non starter and seek someone more shiny elsewhere. Well, I'm stuck with me, so the only thing for it is to scrub deeper, polish off and show some sparkle I thought. As I smiled at the small drawn heart at the top of the left hand page of my notebook I began to praise myself with all the love and recognition that my best friend would. But with every positive attempt to describe my attributes - compassionate, generous, diplomatic perhaps, I saw the words shifting onto the right hand side of the page without a backwards glance. With a sigh of resignation I asked myself if these are in fact weaknesses? Do they blind my judgement? Do they give me the flimsy notion that I may be an honest person or a good person? Do they stem from fear, or laziness? Having accidentally drifted onto the page of what I don’t love, words flowed from my pen like the tears of a lost child. Ive seen these words before, the self deprecation is boring and I didn’t need to see them again.

Back to the love page where my forefinger traced the lines of the small red heart my nieces face appeared in my mind. Im a good Auntie I wrote! Bold and strong this statement remained on the page with pride. Her birth brought in me a sense of responsibility that nothing had ever done before. She doesn’t care, isn’t aware of my worries and insecurities, asking only for time, care, playtimes and smiles. When I think of all the things I hope to help her become I realised that the best way to do this would be to show her. She brought out such a natural sense of duty and protectiveness that I have no choice but to show her how to love yourself. Her smile when you walk into the room is full of so much excitement, admiration and happiness that you feel like you must be the best person in the whole world when of course the wee lightbulb in her head is simply saying ‘playtime’ but il take that! Its contagious, and I find myself smiling widely, her expression mirrored on my face.

As winter looms Perhaps Im finding myself with a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) or my ability to cope with some of life’s difficulties this year has finally caught up with me. Whatever the reason Im determined it’s short lived . Famously spoken are the lines that you can’t be loved when you don’t love yourself. Luckily my friends and family have shown this to be far from true. And in spending time with them the things I love most about them are somewhat mirrored back at me.

Seeing yourself from the eyes of people who you love and admire is probably the best way to notice the good things about yourself. The people who I want to spend my time with are in turn seeking mine, they see something they love, so I guess I must be a bit of alright.

Sarah-Kate Goodwin

A Great Wake Up Champion!. A Chronically indecisive worrier. A Painfully forgetful dreamer. A self deprecating over thinker and a rather untidy perfectionist, but with all the luck of The Irish and A Champion all the same!


Go to the profile of Jacqui
Jacqui over 4 years ago

Sarah -kate you are certainly an amazing writer. You put across so much that everyone can relate to. I often have a massive crisis of confidence when unbelievably tired. I hope you find time to rest and find that self love again. An absolutely beautiful post full of honesty. I wish I could write like this. Lots of love.

Go to the profile of Mark Cuddy
Mark Cuddy over 4 years ago

I don't know if its an age thing and as you get older you accept who you are and your flaws or maybe it's diving into 'wake up' headlong and getting out of it what you put in but I used to have lot's of negative feelings towards myself which outweighed the good I thought about myself but now, right now, I can accept all my flaws and wear them as badges. If you know deep inside that you are a good person with a kind soul let that shine outwards, let that outweigh your flaws. After all we've all got them, that's what makes us the people we are. Laugh at them if you can - laugh at yourself - it's really more positive energy for the good inside of you. Take it easy and keep smiling and keep shouting YEAH-YEAH! because there's only one of you and I only know one Sarah Kate.... yeah-yeah!

Go to the profile of Sarah-Kate Goodwin
Sarah-Kate Goodwin over 4 years ago

Thank you for your lovely words Jacqui, they certainly make me feel closer to that left side of the page. I often wonder if my writing is any more than word vomit! Hoping to one day adopt some of the genuine serenity that fills your posts. Tiredness is a definite trigger for moments of crisis, sometimes all it takes is some shut eye. x

Go to the profile of Sarah-Kate Goodwin
Sarah-Kate Goodwin over 4 years ago

I for one certainly enjoy getting older Mark and probably for some of the reasons you have said. Thanks for your encouragement, laughter is all we need indeed, ready to get my mojo back.xx

Go to the profile of Ffi Ffi Trixibelle
Ffi Ffi Trixibelle over 4 years ago

Oh cariad, I hope you feel better soon... I loved reading your post, I agree you write beautifully. We are ( mostly ) all the same deep down. My suggestion which may help is you write down something you liked about yourself that day before you go to sleep, just to practice it... and always ask yourself would you speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself... my guess is you would not. Support yourself as you would others and slowly that self critical voice will get quieter. hugs fi x

Go to the profile of Sarah-Kate Goodwin
Sarah-Kate Goodwin over 4 years ago

Cariad is a new word to me Fi- how lovely! Welsh is so beautiful. Thanks for those ideas, change requires actions I guess, so I might just give that a go. x

Go to the profile of Chris Baréz-Brown
Chris Baréz-Brown over 4 years ago

Heartfelt and beautifully written words. So true that this is something we can all relate to. Loved ones are the greatest help in helping us to understand all the amazing things about ourselves. Of which there are many. Thanks for sharing so deeply S-K. Big loving Chris xx