How Can I Satisfy Her?

...physical intimacy is more arousing for a woman than a man having a big penis. It’s the emotional connection that happens before sex (maybe days before!) which opens a woman up to being more aroused and receptive

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Q This problem has stopped me from letting most of my relationships with women go beyond just a one-night stand or a friendship.

I’m now in a new relationship with someone I’d really like to get serious with, but I’m scared of having sex with her because I know she’ll be disappointed. (I have a very small penis.)

When we had PE at school I was often called names and made fun by other boys, and this has made me feel even worse and more ashamed about it.

My mum reassured me that it would grow as I grew up – but it’s still boy-sized! I’ve heard that size doesn’t matter yet all the sex films and magazines say different.

I know there are other things we can do to have sex but this is one thing I can’t change and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and sexless. What can I do?

A I think we often dismiss this problem as being a small one (no pun intended) but in fact it can make a big difference to a man’s sense of his own sexual attractiveness, desirability, confidence and potency.

You don’t mention whether you’ve already sought medical advice and help (e.g. for weight loss, or perhaps even surgery to expose more of your penis). This would be the first step I’d recommend. At least you would find out the real extent of your problem and what, if anything could be done about it.

If nothing can be done physically to enlarge your erect penis (and this is the state that I’m sure is bothering you most – despite what the boys at school teased you about), then you have a couple of options.

Difficult as it might be for you, I suggest that you introduce a conversation with your girlfriend about sex – to find out her views about it… which may be different to what you’re imagining.

This conversation needs to take place when you’re both alone and in quiet and private surroundings. To enhance the connection have physical contact by touching her or holding her hand.

Gently find out her views about sex – some women don’t even want sex, others can’t cope with a large penis trying to penetrate them.

If you feel that she is receptive and interested in having sex with you as part of your loving relationship, then you’d better be ‘up-front’ (again no pun intended) with her about your sensitivity about the size (or any other unusual characteristics) of your penis.

She can then decide if this is an issue for her or not.

If she wants a man with a 9” penis then yes, she may well be disappointed with what you have. If on the other hand she isn’t particularly bothered about how big you are when erect then all well and good. The average size of an erect penis varies among different ethnicities, and is between 5 to 6 inches in the Western world - so maybe you aren’t that small after all.

If you’ve been comparing yourself to the men in porn magazines or movies then don’t!

They tend to be well ‘above average’ in the endowment department. Remember too, they are promoting one type of sex – and it isn’t the sensitive, sensual, intimate type – which is very different from the functional objectifying sex acts they ‘perform’ for a fee.

Stop fretting – it’ll only make things worse and increase your anxiety and fear. And we know what that will do! (You don’t mention if you have any problems with ejaculation, so I’m assuming you don’t).

So, stop imaging the worst scenario of being a disappointment to your girlfriend, and instead find out what she actually likes, prefers and wants sexually.

Be open about your embarrassment and talk about finding a compromise which you can create together.

You might as well swallow your fear and be open about this matter with her. You can then either find a mutually acceptable compromise, or bid each other farewell if the size of your erect penis is a ‘deal breaker’ for her.

If needs be, you could also have a chat with your doctor about the possibility of enhancing the size of your penis with medical help.

As a end note…remember that physical intimacy is more arousing for a woman than a man with a big penis. It’s the emotional connection that happens before sex (maybe days before!) which opens a woman up to being more aroused and receptive. It’s the sensitive touch, the eye-contact, the desire, and the feeling of being ‘wanted’ sexually that will turn her on more than the number of inches you have.

[I should add that such intense intimacy is far too exposing and arousing for some people, and they have to reduce this effect by having only functional sex. They don’t have eye-contact and they don’t ‘tune-in’ to their partner’s body and needs. Their objective is just to have an orgasm – using whatever they can to ‘turn themselves on’. In time they have to find new things to turn themselves on…again intentionally avoiding the richer pleasure of deeper physical, emotional and sexual intimacy.]

Why not imagine you are well-endowed and act as if that were the case… I bet that will make you feel and act much more confidently!

Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy) MIND HEALER & MENTOR - if your lack or fear of intimacy results from your childhood trauma, lack of self-esteem and a poor body image, then you will find some FREE resources on my website that will be of help to you.

Maxine Harley