​What To Do If Your Man Is Jealous Of Your Sexual History

In this post I offer my advice on what to do if your man is hung up about your sexual past, from a guy's perspective.

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First things first — don’t tell him about it in the first place. Ever. If he’s the delving type, however, and insists you have “the talk” — a kind of macabre interview in which you both reveal how many people’s genitals you’ve fondled— make up as much of it as possible.

I’m kidding.

Of course, tell him the full extent of your sexual history if you must, in the interests of “being honest”, but beware that many, many guys don’t like what they hear. Not only that, but a fairly sizable proportion may develop a noticeable twitch in the left eye, similar to Inspector Dreyfus’ in the Pink Panther movies. A strange form of nausea and anxiety known as “retroactive jealousy” descends and soon they’re lost in a whirlpool of overthinking about events that probably happened months or even years ago.

Ironically, while most guys think it’s perfectly acceptable for them to have slept with dozens of women and enjoyed sex in all manner of bizarre situations and positions, they can’t get their head around the fact their girlfriend once gave a guy a blowjob in the back of a taxi. How dare she!

So what do you do if your man has found out things about your sexual history that he doesn’t like, and is now relentlessly giving you a hard time over it?

The first thing I’d say is, don’t get angry

No matter how tiring the constant questions, sarcastic remarks and mood swings, try to refrain from getting as emotional as he is. It doesn’t help to point out the double-standards of his position. Avoid telling him in an accusatory tone things like “It’s none of your business!” Or “I wouldn’t change a thing!” Or “You need help!” as this will invariably just make him more upset. He’ll think you’re “defending” your past, which will indicate in his mind that you’re still somehow harboring warm and fuzzy feelings for it. Maybe you are, but the last thing you want to do is let him know this.

Instead, try to keep calm and be as understanding as possible. As hard as it may be, try to see things from his perspective. Sure, you couldn’t even remember that former sex-buddy’s name before your boyfriend brought him up again, but try to understand that it’s not his fault he’s acting this way.

Why guys get jealous about their girlfriend's sexual history and what you can do about it

It appears men were programed back in the dawn of time by evolution to despise any other man who once had his mitts all over his woman. It’s not their fault that their caveman-like fear responses — the same fight or flight mechanisms that jump into action when confronted by a galloping bear — are still firing on all cylinders well into the 21st century when it comes to sexual jealousy.

In fact, try reframing his irrational fears and hangups into a good thing. It means he cares about you. A lot. And doesn’t want to lose you. So reassure him that you love him, and tell him politely, but firmly, that you’re not going to discuss your sexual history with him anymore. This is his problem, not yours.

Suggest that maybe he needs to work on improving his self-confidence a little as this is probably the root cause of his anxiety. Suggest ways he can calm the mind, such as mediation, and turn him on to the works of spiritual gurus like Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle. Suggest he immerse himself in work, sport, a hobby - anything that'll put his mind more often in a "flow state" in which he's not overthinking about your past.

Do all of this and hopefully pretty soon you’ll have back the man you fell in love with.

Jeff Billings

Author & Jealousy Consultant ,

After suffering from what’s known as “retroactive jealousy” about his girlfriend's ex-lovers, Jeff finally found the cure and packed all his knowledge in the book "How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps" and course "Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy 101". You can contact him at his website and follow him on Twitter @JeffBillingsRJC.