The Blog I Never Wanted To Write
My search for meaningful connection
This is the blog I never wanted to write. To be sat here at the age of forty, opening my heart up to the world about how it feels to be alone, childless, an introvert (in what I perceive to be an extrovert-dominated world), and living with anxiety – it’s something I never would have dreamt I’d be doing.
In my mind I thought I would be writing novels or articles as an expert on a topic that I was well-known for in my field. Not a blog about how life hadn’t turned out as I’d hoped!
It’s funny how things turn out.
But over the past few weeks I’m slowly coming to accept that this is the way things are. Not only am I starting to accept this but I’m also becoming increasingly positive that I could shine within it.
Which is where I’m hoping this project will help.
I have been busy over the past couple of weeks. My determination is strong and it’s strengthening by the day. I’ve been trying to ‘show up’ as my true self in a number of different ways. Not in a ‘Hi, I’m Connie, and I’m a lonely, childless forty-year-old who suffers from OCD and anxiety, and feels like her life is travelling down a completely different path to everyone else’ way. No, not that direct.
But in more subtle ways.
I’ve been more open with those I trust when things have got me down. I’ve tried to be more confident when taking part in office small-talk, something I’ve never been very good at. I’ve made an effort to smile at people when passing them in the corridor or in the lift.
I’ve also been reaching out and connecting with the wider world. I visited the theatre with a friend that I haven’t seen in a while. I attended a wedding on my own and made conversation with strangers. I went to an all-day workshop on self-compassion. And I have arranged to meet up with a group of woman who are in a similar situation as myself, most of whom I’ve never met before.
The important thing for me is that I’m not just doing these things for the sake of doing them. They are things I enjoy doing but I haven’t felt able to do them in a while because of the way that I’ve viewed myself and my situation. I have realised that the position I find myself in today has taken away some of my confidence and as a result, have hidden myself away.
They are also things that I know will help me get where I want to be in the longer-term. They are pointing me in the direction I want to go in.
Now that I am ‘showing up’ more I’m starting to see glimpses of Connie returning. By doing this I’ve not only helped others see the real me but I’m also getting to know myself again. My confidence is returning. Things haven’t always gone according to plan, but when they don’t I’m learning to open up to people I trust.
Overall it’s a slow and gentle process but I can see that if I keep at it, it will help me get to where I want to be and enable the real me to shine once more.