Let it go. Let it flow. Let it snow!

It’s great to be in the driving seat throttling forward in life, Christmas season madness included, but could this be having a negative effect on your love life?

Like Comment

Christmas pun aside, the feeling of being in control has an interesting twist. On the one hand it’s a great thing. We feel secure and assured when we are in control: when we decide want presents to buy, when we are behind the steering wheel, when shopping, deciding what to eat, how our careers develop, how we bring up our children and so on.

In short, when we feel in control of our lives, we feel good, 'on top of things' and so we remain in pursuit of it. We start to mould our lives to keep this feeling, we begin to emulate past experiences and what we see around us as being good or worthy to strive for. The more we enjoy being in control, the more we want it and strive for it.

However, there are a few things that get stifled when we exert too much control, one of which is love. If you are single you might think the perfect partner has specific attributes that you can’t live without and can only meet them under very specific circumstances. You might be under the illusion you are in control of the type of partner you are looking for. However, you are likely to be missing out on great partners because your need for control becomes a set of blinkers. Your mind-set is geared to looking at ‘what is missing’, instead of ‘what may be’.

It is similar if you are in a relationship. You might think you know what your partner thinks and that you know what is best for them. This feeling of ‘certain knowledge’ is a form of control. It provides a sense of predictability and hence a feeling of being in control of what is going around you. However, you may be doing yourself a disservice. You might be missing opportunities of growth and risk ignoring the person in front of you. You begin to dissociate yourselves from each other as a result, and risk resentment building up. Love withers under such circumstances.

I am not here to point fingers. I would just like this opportunity to remind you that once in a while letting go can be a good thing and this time of year is a great time to be reflective. Love, after all, is all around us - if only we would relax and see it where it is and not where we want it to be.

Let it go. Let it flow. Let it snow!

Madeleine Mason Roantree

Dating Psychologist, The Vida Consultancy Ltd

Dating and relationship expert, with an MSc and BSc in psychology, pending counselling psychology doctorate, Cert. in Applied Positive Psychology, plus cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), person-centred and psychodynamic training. Madeleine offers personal coaching and counselling sessions as well as seminars and workshops. Having experience in marriage, divorce, dating and relationships, Madeleine is passionate about helping people to understand their own needs and getting successful results in their personal relationships. She was shortlisted for Dating Expert of the Year 2014 and 2015 at the UK Dating Awards, plus nominated best dating expert in the world at the 2016 iDate awards. She has worked with various publications such as TimeOut, Daily Telegraph, The Independent and continues to blog at LifeLabs. In 2016 she founded the UK Dating Fair, an annual event for singles to get dating advice and meet the best dating experts in the UK, she is open to collaboration and idea exchanges within the helping profession.