Reasons why we don’t slow down and how we can.
Five perceived beliefs that cause us not to slow down, blown out of the water with a healthy dollop of truth!
We are facing what Dr Libby Weaver in her TED talk calls ‘A crises in women’s health’. Many women are now doing what used to be classed as their fathers job but with all of the responsibility of the mother. In the effort to be all things to all people the speed we have to move in order to get things done is causing an impact upon our health.
There are five main perceptions that are causing these crises in our time, so let’s blow these perceptions right out of the water!
If I’m not busy, I’m not successful.
Almost everyday someone will mention being busy to me. Often it’s in an e-mail ‘I know you’re busy, but I was wondering if…’ or when I ask someone how they are they reply, ‘Busy’. We used to say ‘Alright’ or ‘Well’ but busy is the new black.
It means ‘successful, important and stressed’. So when people ask ‘Are you busy?’ if you don’t reply with a yes people believe you’re not successful.
So just for fun I started to say, ‘No I’m not busy, plenty of time’. People looked at me with great concern as if I just brought up a hair ball and would say things like ‘I’m sure things will pick up’.
To not be busy also has the perception you’re broke. Yet wouldn’t real success be to have a work life balance and to be earning full time money in part time hours?
This perception often leads us to find work for ourselves so we can save time for some future moment when we might need that time in the bank waiting for us. If only we could find the time to use it! You can’t ‘save time’ in a vault. There is no such thing really as saving time. It just doesn’t work like that.
If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
What I am about to say is not men or women bashing, it’s to understand a difference most women don’t know. When a man empties the bin, he did it for you and the family even though he himself also put rubbish in it. In fact anything he does in the house he doesn’t do for himself even though he benefits from the action. If he has a job, he does it for the family even though he eats his own earnings. If you don’t say thank you for all this stuff he is doing for you and the family, he starts to do less as he doesn’t feel valued. In addition if you ask him to do something, enough time has to go by until it becomes his idea and he is doing it for you. If you remind him before that time is up the clock starts from the top again. The chances are you will step in and do the job by the time the clock has ticked out.
Everything men do, they do it for you. To remember that you might like to think of Kevin Costner in some green tights to the backing sounds of Bryan Adams.
For a happy home, appreciate everything your man does and if you ask him to do something, don’t then do it yourself. Apologies for the mass generalisation and not everyone is the same, but having sat with countless couples helping them get to the root of their problems, this was a big relationship game changer, and most men are delighted a woman finally get’s their purpose, and the women are delighted the jobs are getting done by someone other than them.
Also check in with yourself whether you don’t secretly love being the hero. Some of us like ourselves the most when we are the ones suffering. It gives us a sense of being better than everyone else. It means we can devalue others which then puts our own sense of value as higher; a sign of low self esteem.
If I slow down those that I love will suffer.
Will you miss collecting the kids from school, making the fancy dress costume, you won’t reply to all the e-mails in your in box and people will hate you. Really? Don’t you get so busy that really you become out of touch with those you love? Wired and tired, snappy and crabby? You can’t be connected when you are moving so fast. You can’t listen; focus and the chances are you’re not as nice living on adrenaline. Do you really feel those you love like to see you frazzled?
If I slow down I’ll fail.
You’re success is not reliant on how hard you work. I was brought up to believe if you work hard and put in the hours you’ll do well. I see now that isn’t true. Work smart! One thing I have learnt, as a self-employed business woman for over 20 years (I call that a free range hen), is that if in any project I run into something I don’t enjoy doing or I have too steep a learning curve the project won’t fly. Now I hire people who love the bits of a project I hate doing. Trying to do everything on your own never leads to success. If you’re feeling scared it’s because you’re being too independent.
I’m not good enough.
Often the drive to do more or have more is because we believe we are not enough. It’s really sad, as female insecurity is also used as a sale manipulation tool to get you to part with your cash. ‘Have these shoes, lipstick, handbag and you’ll feel better’. Then we have to work harder to pay for all of the ‘must have stuff.’ It’s a horrid cycle because often the only thing really missing is our presence in our own lives. We spend so much time trying to be better, or like someone else, that we have forgotten who we are and that we are already everything we need.
We could solve all of the world problems if all the women had self-esteem. I am serious, this is no slight on men, it would be good for them too. Just think about it for a moment… you know I’m right!
There is no such thing as a happy tomorrow if you’re killing yourself for it today. That’s a @beckywalshcom tweetable!
I has very inspired in this blog by Dr Libby Weaver’s TED.com talk. I recommend every woman I meet to watch it and it also made me write a rather open and personal blog on my own site ‘Going too fast in killer heels’. A link to the film and blog here: http://beckywalsh.com/becky-