The last time I was here, I was telling you all about how busy life was getting. Why was it becoming so busy? I was choosing to face my fears and as with most experiences in life, once one moment happens there is a motion effect, a chain reaction, and a number of new ripples occur. Life can be like a treadmill, and right now I feel like I’ve levelled up on the gradient positioning, however, I am not quite fit enough and up for the task in motion. Or am I?
Why am I talking in treadmill metaphor?
Well, it all began with a Fresh Start blog, and in truth when I chose to wipe my own life’s white-board clean, to start afresh and begin again. I couldn’t have foreseen or predicted where I've arrived, presently.
I mentioned last week that I had landed a permanent employment within an establishment where I wouldn’t have believed it was on my own sub-conscious wish list, I had already tried this path before. Why try it again?
Here I am blogging about the something and nothing, a process of repetition, and not making a great deal of sense to you the reader, I’m sure. Presently, nothing makes sense. I am calling this the learning curve fuzz. Maybe, I needed to blog this mind splurge to release a little tension. I like to journal, and I’m not afraid to share my recent experiences online, because I've practised for a while now with a professional approach as a personal venture, and as an Ambassador for an exceptional magazine.
In the last few months of 2019, I have learned so much, from configuring how to self-publish a paper back book, to accepting an invitation to learn how to be a Radio DJ, then diving deeper into my self-belief and applying for a role within a school. The mind boggles.
I recall Ali Roff mentioning last year, something on the lines of “This is going to be an amazing year”, that was 2018, for me it was a year of preparatory research which gave me the confidence to take a baby-step forward on my own dream big and face the future fears head on. 2019 seems to be the year testing my nerves and feeling intense, bewildering yet, amazing.
I’m presently feeling lost; nothing makes sense and I’m searching through a number of books for probable answers. After reading quite a number of self-help books in the last four years, alongside classics and fantasy novels, with a hint of poetry – I’ve often suggested as one writer’s progress, if a book is meant to be read by you, it will find you. This may sound odd, but I have found myself reading books in the past and thought, no, this isn’t for me. Then later in life returned to the same story and found myself sucked in, intrigued and unable to put the book down. Quite a lot of the books I have read recently have often offered a Psychological, Philosophical, or Theological perspective of life, and once upon a time I would have looked at a book about signs and spirituality and connection and flow and feared it. I wouldn’t have read it, because the fear of the unknown was terrifying enough. Did I need to know more?
It appears I do need to know more. I'm reading about the unknown and looking for signs that might help me find my way. It is bewildering when in trying to know ‘the’ answers, there will always be a new question, every end has a beginning and every beginning requires an end, in order to give the experience purpose – did I mention this is a mind splurge.
Maybe the answers I’m seeking aren’t in books this time. If I was to tell you that the many fears I’ve recently faced were because of a listening trigger:
After listening to the radio for years, 2019, has brought about a number of changes to this dimension of my life. My usual radio stations recently changed presenters, and I found myself following the presenters to their new stations rather than sticking with the old stations and training my ear to be content in listening to the new voice.
This is when I realised that I have made so many selective unconscious choices in life to date, without even considering the destination, or an answer, or a solution. Therefore, can I be on that treadmill with the gradient up high and force myself to enjoy this present adventure? Maybe just reduce the pace setting a tad. Or I could simply stick with what I know and step off, adapting to suit, which may encourage me to stay in a self-imposed-contented-safe-comfort zone, either way, I am sure I will be okay. I hope.
A wonderful radio presenter recently wished me luck with my writing, and I replied, “Thanks, I might need a miracle.”
This is where my inner conflict lays. My new adventures have minimised the time I have to write, to edit, and to publish. A huge part of me feels the end goal pushes further away, a never-ending maze, forever out of reach, and I sigh, because breathing through this feeling is all that I can do. Every day I promise myself, I am not letting go of the Creative side of me, and I hope I can trust myself, to be right.
I truly don’t expect you to know what on earth I am talking about, and I don’t expect you to need to know either. Sometimes we choose to read something because we want to, sometimes we see a sub-story which suits ourselves, and sometimes we can hear the voice of the writer and it is the process of simply communicating through a rambling of words that connects people and reminds us we are human, we are not alone and thank you for listening, you deserve an amazing year.
Whether we sometimes simply notice more than others around us, or if such things as ‘signs’ and ‘miracles’ truly exist. These subjective moments are an opportunity to stop, look, listen and appreciate, take a little time in the present and look around, what do you see?
Today, I am not asking you to wish me luck. I would like to ask you to hold me accountable as the Writer, do you mind?
Portfolio Image for One Writer's Progress, in house design (2019)